Short answer: I’m already married and faithful to my wife. Sorry ladies.
Longer answer:
Yesterday I read a number of “anti-valentine’s day” rants from a number of women. A significant number of them bemoaned the idea that men—the hormone driven Neanderthals we are—want to have sex on Valentine’s Day.
HOW DARE WE!
The first point I want to make is to the men:
When your wife has sex with you, she’s not doing you a “favor.” Don’t let her pull that crap on you. When you got married you agreed to have sex with one person for the duration of the marriage and she agreed to be that person.
Sex is no more a favor to you than splitting your paycheck is a “favor” to her.
Having a family is the most expensive choice you can make. When you get married and start popping out joyous little photo-ops, you are also agreeing to help pay your wife’s bills while she goes through both the pregnancy phase and the nurturing phase of your lives together.
And in most homes (80%+) the women manage the finances even if the husband is the sole breadwinner.
While there are exceptions to this, it is still the most common situation: Men are often the primary breadwinners in the home while women are the primary nurturers. Part of that is necessity and part of it is tradition.
Having sex with your wife is no more a gift than you taking the lion’s share of the earning responsibility is a gift. It’s just part of the agreement. My wife expects I will work and earn as much as possible to support our family. I expect it of myself as well.
If your wife refuses to have sex with you men, you need to talk to her about it. Marriage wasn’t meant to be celibate.
But there is another issue I want to raise with the ladies:
Why don’t you look forward to sex?
Do your orgasms hurt? Do they result in unpleasant physical sensation? If so, you need to see a doctor. Somethin’s not workin’ right.
My wife and I have been married almost 24 years and I don’t ever recall her complaining that an orgasm felt bad. (Well there was that one time when I had razor stubble, but she didn’t notice until after we were done.)
So would someone please tell me—put your comments below—why so many women seem to hate sex.
Is it their frustration with the men in their lives? “Men are pigs and all they care about is sex.” Men make millions of Olympic swimmers every day, and each one of those babies wants to compete. Women drop an egg (or maybe two) each month.
Women remember how you feel when you are ovulating? The man in your life feels that way every day. And most often he is willing and able to help YOU feel good as well. (Or install a shower massage—which ever you prefer.)
Sex is important to your spouse, it’s not all that time consuming unless you want it to be, it will make you healthier, thinner and more attractive. So why not look forward to it?
It makes no sense to me. It’s like zero calorie chocolate.
If you’re going to hate sex, then go to your man and be honest. Say something like this:
“Let’s face it, I don’t love you enough to have sex with you on a regular basis, so I am giving you permission to have sex with someone else who DOES want to have sex with you. That girl Suzy in your accounting department is cute and I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Remember how I got mad at you after the Christmas party? It was because she’s so much more pretty than I am. And she was giving you that look.”
“Anyway, you’re free to sow your oats. Just make sure to put a tie on the doorknob if you bring her home and I’ll know not to come in.”
Honesty. Ain’t it grand?
I better stop now and find my wife. I think we’re late for another swim meet.
February 15, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Sometimes I think I understand women about as far as I can throw ‘em. And I’m one of them.
There seems to be some aversion in some women about planning sex, or knowing beforehand that it could take place. Consequently, they seem to not want to have sex on this day because it isn’t “spontaneous.”
Maybe they should be honest with themselves and admit that they may not enjoy it at all. That is something that can be resolved, but not if they hide from this fact.
I’m not speaking for me, of course.
“It’s like zero-calorie chocolate”! Hahahah! And it burns calories! You and I need to write a new diet book. We’ll clean up.
February 15, 2007 at 5:27 pm
“Having sex with your wife is no more a gift than you taking the lion’s share of the earning responsibility is a gift. It’s just part of the agreement. My wife expects I will work and earn as much as possible to support our family. I expect it of myself as well.”
Well here’s the problem as I see it.
You seem to equate the expectation of sex to the expectation to support the family.
A better comparison would be to say:
My wife expects I will work and earn as much as possible to support our family…. and I expect she will work and do as much as possible to support our family in her area, (if this is the agreement) such as caring for the kids, keeping up the home and such.
Men equate “I support us” to “Sex is the return”. In reality, the fair exchange on that is “I support us” to “She handles the home”.
Sex is an emotional thing. That very attittude is what damages the relationship to the point that some women don’t want to have sex with the man anymore.
Your answer seemed to be not, “I will repair that relationship problem” but “let me fuck someone else”.
Do you get what I’m saying?
Sex is not something owed by either to either without the right things in place. I guarantee every man out there that (barring phsyical problems) if he is treating the woman how he should, he will be having sex.
I’m not sure if you consider my “anti-valentine’s rant” as one that you refer to but mine was about the commercial bullshit nature of it, not my disdain for love, romance and all that. See my today post about my real valentine and you’ll see.
February 15, 2007 at 6:11 pm
“Women remember how you feel when you are ovulating? The man in your life feels that way every day.”
ROTFL, sorry but I can’t resist here.
“All women are familiar with cramping, headaches, bloating, and constipation or diarrhea that accompany periods every month. But some women also experience mid-cycle ovulation pain. This is absolutely normal and surprisingly common. Painful ovulation or mid-cycle pain affects about twenty percent of women. Although the pain may feel like something serious is wrong, painful ovulation or is rarely serious.
Painful ovulation, when severe, is referred to as mittelschmerz, a German word that means “middle pain.” Most women who experience painful ovulation usually report a nagging pain that begins as a sharp twinge and diminishes into a dull ache for the next day or so. But for some women, the pain can be severe enough to be disabling and can even be confused with appendicitis. Occasionally, in addition to mid cycle pain and cramping, some women may experience nausea, and/or light menstrual spotting. Mittelschmerz lasts for 6 to 8 hours in most women; however, occasionally it can last as long as twenty-four to forty-eight hours.
While the discomfort can occur on either side of the abdomen, it is more commonly experienced on the right. Pain in the abdomen can occur during intercourse or it can be aggravated by intercourse, working out or other physical activity. In addition to pain, some women also experience gastrointestinal symptoms and increased frequency of urination. Painful ovulation may occur every month, but more typically occurs every third to fourth cycle. ”
So you’re saying that every day, you are in such pain that the last thing you want is sex? Hell… I don’t understand the problem then.
LOL.
I’m joking, but seriously, you’re implying that men suffer when they don’t have sex. That’s the whole “blue balls” ploy used by every 15 year old boy (with a girlfriend) alive. It’s beneath a thinking, mature adult which I think you are so I assume then, that you’re also joking around.
“To the male readers… You may have noticed a distinct bluish tinge to your testicles after you ‘make out’ or are sexually aroused for several hours — and the deep, uncomfortable ache that goes along with it. This is the result of pelvic congestion, when more blood and lymph flows into the genitals (during sexual arousal) than flows out; and, when it remains in the genitals for an extended period of time, then it CAN cause discomfort and aching. If there is no release, the area remains engorged. Without any outflow, men may feel slight discomfort in the testes, which are very sensitive to these kinds of changes. Some guys do not actually ‘turn blue’, but feel the discomfort.
By the way, “blue balls” have been used as a way for males to pressure females into having sex, or into “getting them off”. Now girls, don’t feel pressured into this old scam, you can refuse AND boys can always masturbate (with or without you). You should never be pressured into having sex! Never, never, never!!! End of that lecture.
It’s not harmful to get blue balls, so don’t run to the emergency room. If the condition lasts for hours or days after you’ve stopped being sexually aroused, then see a health care professional.”
So here’s a novel idea.
If you have the right relationship going and the woman isn’t feeling pressured or obligated and really wants sex.. then boink away so long as you’re both willing and going to benefit.
If she has some reason to feel that emotionally, she doesn’t want sex.. go take care of it yourself. I presume you’ve known how to do that for a long time.
Women like sex. Women also get aroused and don’t get satisfaction with a partner at times. It’s part of life. Suck it up. (No pun intended)
Yeah, I know… now I’ve gone and blown it (again, no pun intended) and given away the secret that I’m hugely (there’s that pun thing again) opinionated and not afraid to show it.
But still… most people can’t help but luv me anyway!
February 15, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Kristine, happy to comply. Once you are I get our diet book published you can approach the publisher about your fiction.
Fracas,
I don’t luv you yet, but I have an intense case of “like.”
Thank you for taking the time to write a thoughtful post—and it’s cool if you disagree with my reasoning, though I’m not sure I made it clear.
First, I didn’t know ovulation can be painful. I stand corrected. Though I do think you understand the point, even though you poked a little fun at it.
I am not trying to say “because I earn money I should expect sex in return.” What I am saying is this: There are things we can expect from our partners in marriage. I used one example for the men, but there are others.
There is also a difference between expecting to have an active sex life in marriage and expecting sex right now.
Should any married person ever feel pressured to have sex? My short answer would be yes.
There are times when I have been tired or stressed, but I was aware my wife needed to make love to meet her own needs. I have compassion for her and I put aside my unwillingness to help be a good husband to her.
I’m confident she has done the same for me many times.
My wife should expect I will back her play. That I am on her side. That if I disagree I don’t have to do it in public and embarrass her, that I can take it to her in private. She can expect we will have a reasonable division of labor and parenting.
Yes I believe we are a team. Yes I believe we should talk things out and, no, I don’t believe men should go out and sleep with other women just because their wife is not willing to. My advice to men is to talk to their wives rather than simply accepting celibacy—and that was clearly pointed out in my advice to the men (see above).
But I did try to STRONGLY make a point that if a woman doesn’t love her husband enough to have sex with him that woman is not being faithful in marriage. The same goes the other way—men who refuse to have sex with their wives are unfaithful as well.
One of the arguments I have heard is this: I want my husband to show me he cares for me without expecting sex in return, then I am willing to have sex with him.
Consider what men might say—using the same logic: I would be happy to show my wife the constant romance and appreciation she wants, but first I am waiting to see if she really wants to have sex with me without getting anything in return.
Everyone who has been reading these posts and comments:
This next part will likely sting for a number of people, so if you are sensitive and insecure about your lack of marital success, you should stop reading now. If you read the next paragraphs and get your feelings hurt I don’t want to hear complaints about my insensitivity. You were warned.
I would not go to someone who had to declare bankruptcy and ask for investing advice. For the same reason I do not go to those who have never had a successful marriage to look for marriage advice. I have noted those who often give advice have yet to have a successful marriage of their own. I think those people lack the authority to speak on the subject.
In fact, that is a question I have never heard addressed by divorcees who insist on giving relationship and marriage advice: Why should anyone listen to you? Isn’t it possible that your understanding of what makes a marriage a success is skewed or incorrect?
Some will argue: But my divorce wasn’t my fault, I accidentally married a serial killer.
Possibly, but you also might just think it was your spouse’s fault, you could be wrong. Until you have demonstrated you can succeed at marriage we only have your personal assurance you know what you are talking about. That’s not much of a persuasive argument.
February 15, 2007 at 9:43 pm
I actually agree with you on the last point. I had my daughter to a counselor who spend a great deal of time pointing fingers at my husband and talking about her own bad marriage.
Needless to say, we refused to continue with her on that very logic. How could she help us with our daughter if she had no successes of her own to draw from?
So, I am not offended at all.
I do though, disagree on your short answer regarding a married person feeling pressured to have sex. I don’t think there’s ever a situation where a persone is in need of sex to the point that another person should have it when they’re not a totally willing party. I understand your point though.. you’re trying to show how people who love each other would do that for each other. I get that. On the other hand, I am a believer in chastity and teach that as the belief for my teens. If we as married people, expect our partners to service us on the premise that it is a need that must be satisfied, what right to we have then, to teach our teenagers, that they can wait to fulfill their similar needs? And… further… if sex is something that is such a need that it must be filled despite one partner not really being thrilled about it, then why is it wrong for a spouse whose partner is away (say… at war or on a long business trip or ill for a length) to go have that need taken care of?
If there are situations where we put aside that need because it’s the right thing to do, then surely it does not exist, a situation where a married person must have sex when they are not entirely willing, to fulfill the others’ need.
Always more than one way to see a situation. Isn’t that the wonder of life?
And thanks for that case of like (that’s really what luv with a u means). I think you’re pretty dang neat yourself.
February 15, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Sex is not a need, but sex is a powerful drive. The context most widely accepted for satisfying this powerful drive is marriage (though I believe that is quickly changing.) One may choose to deny this drive for a lifetime, but most people choose not to.
I am not saying a partner should be “forced” to have sex when they don’t want to. My question is why doesn’t a spouse want to fulfill their partner’s sexual drive?
This is a huge drive, so to consistently deny fulfilling this for your partner is a significant act. So far I haven’t heard good reasons as to why many women don’t want to fulfill their partner’s desire. (Other than to point out men are jerks, to which I would counter many women are jerks as well. It ought to even out.)
February 15, 2007 at 10:45 pm
Well, here’s the thing. If sex is such a powerful drive (desire), so is the desire to feel loved and appreciated.
You ask why wouldn’t a spouse want to fufill their partner’s sexual desires, then I counter with why wouldn’t a spouse want to fulfill their partner’s emotional desires?
The reason many men always argue this point so strongly (I have found) is that they see the sexual desires as more important than the emotional desires. This is because men and women are different in that respect. A man might place sexual desires at 10 on the scale of 1-10 and the emotional desires at 5. The woman may do the exact opposite.
When it comes to solving a difference in this area, the men will not understand why the spouse wouldn’t want to fulfill their sexual desires and yet won’t place the same significance on not fulfilling the woman’s emotional desires. Often that kind of thing is poked fun at, you know… it’s just the woman being a, well, woman.
Yet for her, her emotional needs might be the 10 and she may wonder why he is unwilling to fulfill her emotional needs. She gets told to go find some fulfillment “outside the house” (which you did in another post) etc. when what she really wants, is to know that her #10 need is as important as his #10 need.
I hope this makes sense to you. As someone who counsels (as you mentioned) it is really important that you understand that or you may think you’re helping people when you’re really not.
I am so sure, I’d be willing to shave my head (and I have an ugly head full of lumps and dents) to show that I believe truly, that if a woman’s emotional needs within a marriage are met, then the husband’s sexual needs will also be met. (Barring as we keep pointing out, any physical problems or reasons for sex to be unenjoyable).
This has always been my point and always will be. It seems very fair, very logical, very reasonable. I cannot fathom why anyone would disagree.
If not wanting to fulfill a spouse’s sexual desires is wrong, then so is not wanting to fulfill a spouse’s emotional needs. Both things should happen and if they do, I bet there’s no problem.
Disclaimer: By emotional needs, I am not referring to a woman needing a hobby, a job, some friends, etc. I am referring to the need to feel loved, appreciated, valued, admired, desired, wanted.
February 15, 2007 at 10:57 pm
I do understand the need for me to meet my spouse’s emotional needs. My point is to end the manipulation that comes from saying, “You’re not meeting my need here, so I won’t meet your need there.” That’s juvenile and disfunctional and leads to all sorts of problems.
Your assumption that if a woman’s emotional needs are met the husband’s sexual needs will be met is not true in practice. It may be true in your marriage and it may be true in mine, but it is not true in many marriages.
This isn’t any more true than saying “If you meet a man’s sexual needs, he will meet your emotional needs.” While that may be true in some relationships, the two are not necessarily related.
If a husband is not meeting a woman’s emotional needs, the solution is not to withhold sex, the solution is to talk to him. It’s the same thing I would tell a man who doesn’t think his wife is fulfilling his sexual needs. Talk. Communicate.
Any time we start putting conditions on fulfilling intimate desires our spouse may have we have ventured into the area of manipulation.
An aside:
I write this mostly for the lurkers. I am convinced of the “rightness” of my points and I imagine you are too. It’s important to put this info out there so others can make their own conclusions.
And I do appreciate you adding your thoughtful comments to my blog. I hope to do the same for yours.
February 15, 2007 at 11:16 pm
I think we’re actually on the same wavelength, just saying it totally different. Oh wait.. maybe that’s because you’re male and I’m female?
LOL.
I agree, the “I’m not having sex because you’re not giving me what I want” is ineffective and juvenile. I think I should’ve said that all along. What I mean is that when emotional needs go unmet for a long time, I believe the desire to have sex with that person does actually go away. I also agree that the solution is to talk about it. And yes, the same would be true in reverse.
The whole point is, I totally believe that marriage is about each person wanting to do for the other person more than for themself. If it’s one sided for too long (because everyone has times where it is one sided for good reason for a time and that’s ok.. it’s that sickness and health thing we say at the altar), lots of things disappear and purchasing flowers on Valentine’s day won’t solve it.
I understand about writing for the lurkers. I used to have a site about abortion, and run a forum for it. I also used to post many a thing for the benefit of the lurkers.
February 15, 2007 at 11:23 pm
I’ve said for a long time that love and marriage is not about the good times, the vacations, the travel, the great sex. Instead, marriage is about colostomy bags, oozing puss and getting fired. In marriage we tell another “I’ll be there for you, no matter what.”
I’m sure Fracas agrees.
And it is possible we agree on the topic of sex as well: Don’t marry a Jerk.
February 16, 2007 at 1:32 am
When your wife has sex with you, she’s not doing you a “favor.” Don’t let her pull that crap on you. When you got married you agreed to have sex with one person for the duration of the marriage and she agreed to be that person.
So would someone please tell me—put your comments below—why so many women seem to hate sex.
You know… you sound angry, and I think that’s sad. I read many of the letters you refer to, and I don’t think anyone gave any indication that having sex is doing hubby a favor.
In your reply to Fracas, you said;
I am not trying to say “because I earn money I should expect sex in return.” What I am saying is this: There are things we can expect from our partners in marriage.
Yes, there ARE things we should expect from marriage. The trouble is that what each gender “expects” from marriage is different. One of my friends has a little joke with her hubby. She says “I need affection, and you need affucktion. If my needs aren’t being met, yours probablywon’t either.” lol
There’s a very interesting article at CNN, called Loving with all your … brain. I won’t link to it, in case that nixes my post as spam. The article discussed the difference, as seen in the brain via MRI, of both males and females regarding love and lust. Do look it up. It’s an excellent read.
I don’t believe, for a minute, that women hate sex. I believe that women lose sexual desire because of partners that are oblivious to the woman’s needs. The article (amazingly) points out the difference in what men and women respond to.
I would really hope that, since you counsel couples, that you would look into this a bit so that you’re disregarding what women “expect” from their partners. That wouldn’t really help couples in the long run, would it?
Speaking personally, my ex couldn’t hold a candle to my current hubby. Part of the difference is that my ex could not or would not see that my needs are just as important as his. My current partner would be the first one to say that foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom and that fulfilling needs and having expectations are both two way streets.
February 16, 2007 at 1:33 am
oops… typo… second last paragraph.
So you’re not disregarding what women “expect”
February 16, 2007 at 7:58 am
I don’t know about most women, but I look forward to sex as much as my husband. Then again, I have a husband who actively pitches in with housework and appreciates what I do (as I appreciate his work, btw). It’s a two-way street.
The only factor that sometimes gets in the way of sex for us is that I *need* more sleep than he does. I need eight hours and he likes about six or seven. This was problematic at one point, as after a day of chasing children and working, I was, more often than not, exhausted cmoe bedtime. We rejigged our routine a bit and now we have sex earlier in the evening rather than later, when I’ve run out of steam.
I suppose some women use sex as an incentive or tool to get what they need, which I think is about as unfair as a man using levers like money or housework as bribes. Everyone pitches in and everyone gains, is our motto.
Early on in marriage, we made a deal with each other never to turn the other down for sex unless there was a damned good reason. Know what? It works. At first, there were times when one of us didn’t feel much into it. After some, er…. gentle physical persuasion
, we’d both focus on the business at hand. Over time, readjusting our mental state became second nature and we were able to make the mental shift to sex more readily. It was harder for me, because I’m the one who juggles the household routine mentally and because it takes me a bit longer to get turned on. His difficulty was in shutting out work worries. The effect on our sex life of neither person saying, “no, I don’t want to” or “I’m not in the mood” has been super. Eleven years of marriage and sex gets better every year/month/time.
Something I’ve noticed, though, is that sex means different things to men and women (in general, not specific). Sex for men can be a combination of physical lust, a need to be close to a person and a desire to be held. Women tend to reverse that list in order of priority. A man’s body can engage without his mind being in gear. In fact, my husband assures me that the body often completely shuts off the mind, for men. Women need their minds to be working towards sex in order for their bodies to kick in. It’s whacked, but that’s biology.
I think most women like sex, but feel like they have a thousand other things to do or worry about that are more important. Two things need to happen. Firstly, husbands need to pitch in visibly to split workloads (the most erotic thing a woman can hear is, “dear, I just cleaned the bathroom”) and women need to realise that the bathroom being dirty is not nearly as important as your husband needing to be close to you.
Again, it needs to go both ways.
But me? I love sex. We have it almost daily, even with dogs and kids and a household and two careers to wrangle. I’d go nuts without the mental release that sex gives. It’s like an oasis of stresslessness in an otherwise crazy world.
Hopping down off my battered soapbox…..
February 16, 2007 at 5:42 pm
[...] reading the comments on this post I now understand the only reason my wife was willing to have sex with me was because I helped her [...]
February 16, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Vicky,
Great post. You stirred my memory–we made the same “I won’t turn you down commitment” but I had forgotten since it was so long ago and sex became such a natural part of our relationship. I need to ask my wife if she remembers it as well.
But as for daily sex…if I was a Newfy I would need to have sex every day just to keep warm.
February 17, 2007 at 3:20 am
Yeah, this is a male fantasy. The majority of women are not made to be non-stop sex machines.
Have you considered the fact that your behavior in bed isn’t pleasing your wife? Probably not, because you’d rather think the entire situation is her problem. I haven’t read a great deal of your blog, so I’m unfamiliar with your history, but do you and your wife have candid, intimate conversations about what each of you likes and dislikes sexually? That would be an elementary step.
February 17, 2007 at 3:30 am
Wow, gingermiss, you show your ignorance twice in just a few minutes. That’s a rare skill. I do understand you haven’t read much of my blog, but you criticize my love-making technique. Let me assure you, it’s exceptional. Just today I pleasured my wife so well she couldn’t walk most of this afternoon since her thighs were still shaking hours later.
It’s a gift.
Oh, and we don’t have time to talk much about sex since we’re so busy gettin’ busy, if ya know what I mean.
February 17, 2007 at 3:36 am
I proffered the possibility that your wife didn’t enjoy your love-making technique. What a surprise that an enlightened soul such as yourself would rage against a bruise to his masculinity rather than consider what I actually said.
February 17, 2007 at 3:40 am
Gingermiss, I know what you need, you need to get laid by a real man, OH YEAH.
(To not understand the sarcasm here and to take everything literally shows an incredible insecurity on your part. Feel free to post here as often as you would like–it’s good fodder.)
February 17, 2007 at 3:44 am
I got the sarcasm – I got the intended humor – and I was responding to the passive-aggressive hostility beneath it. Like I said, I’ll leave you to the crowd that ‘gets you’.
February 17, 2007 at 3:48 am
I thought you were leaving? Why not ask my wife if this was passive agressive? She helps me write almost everything on this blog. Of course if you hate men and hate women who love men then you will struggle with that. Again, this demonstrates your deep insecurities.
Why do you hate men? Why do you read into my posts everything you have ever experienced with men?
Is it possible you have a distant relationship with your own father? Is it possible you have had difficult relationships with men in your own life? Is it possible you wonder why you are unable to hold on to a man whom you respect?
Tell me, oh tell me, gingermiss.
February 17, 2007 at 12:38 pm
I ask myself the same question everyday. “why don’t I want to have sex? sex is fun, feels good, you like it, go have sex…..NAW” I don’t understand it either because I was a wildcat before we got married (when it was naughty). I guess getting pregnant right away doesn’t help the sex drive nor does my state of being pregnant again. One thing with women is that the littlest thing can turn us off. At this point in my pregnancy I could be raring to go and then he’ll so much as look at me the wrong way or not take his plate to the kitchen and I’m not horny anymore. I don’t understand it either. I just can’t wait to get past the breastfeeding baby stage and perhaps I’ll turn back into the tiger I once was. Or perhaps Satan is doing it to me?
February 17, 2007 at 12:44 pm
PS that showerhead thingie is hilarious…..
…..and true
February 17, 2007 at 2:25 pm
I was just musing. I bet you enjoy that Landover Baptist site, don’t you Kevin?
I used to thoroughly enjoy bantering with those folks on a message board we all frequented, back in about 1999. It always amazed me though, how many people just didn’t realize the site is a parody. Being a bystander to their conversations was more fun than the actual site.
C’mon, tell the truth. I bet you have it in your bookmarks somewhere.
February 17, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Pluck,
Most all of us men understand the hormone changes a pregnant woman goes through affect everything–and not just sex. While any man is probably happy his pregnant wife brings it up to a conscious level, and most men might like it if their wife actually talked to them about it, but most husbands are going to understand. It’s temporary.
At the same time one of the amazing things many women don’t realize is how pregnancy affects the mind and emotions of the father. Many of us go through fears, doubts, insecurity as we ponder adding another child to the family. Sometimes those things affect a man’s sex drive as well.
Fracas,
First thank you for what you shared earlier. I hadn’t had the time to reply to it properly. I appreciate your candor (even when we disagree.)
And about Landover. Of course I love it. It’s pretty good. It’s also amazing that people just don’t get it. But then again, most of those people are not known for their deep thinking.
My favorite Landover piece was about the Negro recovery program where they were helping negros give up their blackness. It was classic.
February 17, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Ha ha, NOTHING effects my husbands sex drive.
February 17, 2007 at 5:49 pm
My wife did something really cool for me during her 8th month with our second baby.
She had a “daddy shower.”
She took our toddler and left him with a friend, put on this maternity black slip (which looked surprisingly sexy), put on her “tart” makeup, set up candles, cooked a wonderful meal, then called me at the office to come home for a surprise.
We had a wonderful, sexy, romantic evening. Funny, I don’t remember if we actually “tried” anything, but just having her remind me that she was sexy and enjoyed being sexy for me was wonderful.
February 18, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Sounds like a lot of work. ha ha. Nice idea though, you a good advocate for my husband.
February 18, 2007 at 9:39 pm
Just have Brent send me a thank you card.
February 18, 2007 at 11:37 pm
…and one more thing Plucky, I suspect you are a better advocate than I will ever be.
February 19, 2007 at 2:21 pm
He’ll send a card when he gets laid. I need a massage tonight so I’ll have to give him a “favor” it’s a good set up because I get a better massage that way and he gets some lovin!
February 23, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Farcas you said “I guarantee every man out there that (barring physical problems) if he is treating the woman how he should, he will be having sex.” The problem is figuring out what “treating the woman how he should” means. I can do a whole bunch of things for my wife and still not get it right. Like many men I have a problem reading women’s minds to figure out what the heck they need. A typical conversation could go like this:
Me: Hey honey, you look upset, what’s wrong
Wife: Nothing…
Me: No really, is there anything I can help with
Wife: No…
Advice for the ladies: Men aren’t good at mindreading. Heck we aren’t even good at reading hints or signals. TELL US what you need to make you happy. We would like to think we are super intuitive and can read your minds but we just can’t…
March 31, 2007 at 4:18 pm
I will be happy to tell you why women don’t like sex. Actually, if done right, we do. But men cannot accept it for what it is. Which is not the same thing all the time. Women feel coerce to put on a show for men. To boost your egos? I don’t know but this is what has evolved in sex. Women set out to claim the right to enjoy sex and now are required to not only love it but to make a spectacle of it. Women can have a lovely sexual encounter with or without the dramatic results but men are not content unless it registers on their seismograph. Why? Why can’t we enjoy being warm and close to you and feel happy we gave you pleasure? Why can’t we be allowed to enjoy being close and giving? It has been that way for eons. Now it can’t ever be enough? Why have men continued to raise the ante? But you do and that makes it your game and we don’t feel like real partners. We don’t like that.
Further more, you found out about oral sex. And women don’t like doing it. Women hate doing it. Oh no you say, they love doing it. Right! That is why virtually every woman’s magazine has run at least one article telling women they must PRETEND to love it since men not only want it but (???) insist only being made to feel she loves doing it. Not true. For one thing, it is disgusting. You know it is. Why must we lie and suffer to keep your attention? Is it some sort of wanting worship thing you want or need? And do you think that women don’t realize that in part men want oral sex because it is easier to feel detached from the one doing it than having regular sex where you can feel warm and close and, yes, loving?
Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?
March 31, 2007 at 4:55 pm
Here’s what I am going to do: I will hope someday you have a monogamous relationship with a man you love and respect and who loves and respects you. Once you experience that you will understand your prejudices about men don’t apply to him. Once you experience that you will be more than happy to try to give him what he needs as he will be happy to try to give you what you need.
Do you know why I love performing oral sex on my redhead? Simple: She loves it. That makes me happy.
My guess is you haven’t yet found a man who loves are respects you. I hope you do, soon.
April 2, 2007 at 11:43 am
Actually I have. Thank you for your interest. How odd that you think that the idea of a couple being happy with warm, intimate loving sex shows prejudice. You objected to finding out that women are told to pretend that they love doing some things, didn’t you? All the articles do stress that men want to feel that women love doing it. I suspect your redhead knows you too well to tell you how she really feels. We all read those women’s magazines. Which do you object to in my list? Warm? Intimate? Loving? If anything, you have restored my faith in women’s magazines. If you didn’t want to believe your girl/wife/miscellaneous loved doing it, you would have passed over what I said. Someone on here asked why women don’t love sex. I said we do but we didn’t like men’s approach and attitude on it. Men don’t really like the truth, do they? I suspect that if a woman told you what you want isn’t what she wants, you’d just tell yourself she didn’t love you eenough and seek someone else. Which of course would show a total lack of interest in how she felt.
April 2, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Uh, man Barbara, you need some help.
Seriously, get some help. Today. I’m not the droid you’re looking for.
April 2, 2007 at 2:31 pm
No, you are not anything for which I was looking. Whatever gave you that idea? You are insecure, aren’t you? Someone on here asked why women don’t want sex more. I offered my view. Men can either accept it or reject it. I know which you would choose. I also feel I know that most women would accept it…but not out loud. But if you choose to reject what I wrote, you can. You will. But men who are willing to ’settle’ for a warm, loving, intimate, sexual relationship will have more sex and a happier wife than those who reject the idea out of hand. Your choice. I saw a question. I gave an answer. I would say I am sorry it hit so close to home but I am not. If you are not willing to be more intimate and loving then ignore me.
April 2, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Have you ever heard of projection? No, not the one at the movies, the psychological term. You should look it up.
April 2, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Hola!
So um, I totally get off by giving oral sex if I’m in the mood. I love my husband watching me and seeing me enjoy sex. His main concern the entire time is making sure I’m having a good time, otherwise it’s not as fun. of course he likes it when I’m dramatic but I don’t feel pressure for that. I don’t feel like having sex lately because I’m due to have a baby soon.
Booo to womens magazines. They say the same thing every time anyway. They also make you put a lot of focus on what you look like. They pretty much make me feel insecure about myself if I read them too much. You should read ad-busters instead
.
April 6, 2007 at 7:35 pm
OK, I’m thoroughly amused!
How often do we go through the check out at the grocery store and see a women’s magazine with stories entitled “make your man happy”, or “ten great tips for in the sack”. Now, how often do we read titles “be sensitive to her needs” on the cover of GQ? Get where I’m going with this?
We women are just far too conscious of sex and our bodies and, most importantly – social status. Having too much sex with our husbands would make us turn heads and we can’t have that, now can we? Let’s face it, men talk amongst friends just as much as women. Even if we ARE married, women don’t want to look like “whorey” among other women. We need to fit in with other’s like us more that we want to “please” our husbands – or ourselves.
I can honestly tell you that I went through a long period when sex wasn’t appealing – and after talking to my doctor, I found that it was a hormone imbalance. Since having that resolved, I could care less about my “social” status among my husbands’ friends’ girlfriends or my own girl-friends.
For me, it was the combined social stigma of a woman who has too much sex and the hormone imbalance. Women need to realize that they want sex just as much as any man – and that’s ok, especially if you’ve committed to a man that you love and enjoy spending time with. What better way to express that love and devotion than being close?
April 6, 2007 at 10:59 pm
That makes no sense to me. I’d rather be a “slutty” wife for my husband than one who looked more “pure”…if that makes any sense at all. A slutty person gets around. A wife who sleeps with her husband a lot is just that and I’d be proud for hubby to be able to brag about that. Alas third trimester hormones get to me.
I find I don’t wanna have sex if there is any pressure on me at all. So planned sex doesn’t work well for me. If there’s pressure for me to do it I back down. I need to get over that. I don’t think there’s one main reason that sticks all women in one category. Women are very hormonal and wacky about these things. The horney hormone and the stress hormone can’t co-exist in our blood so it’s always one or the other. Unfortunately we’re all a little too stressed out.
April 6, 2007 at 11:38 pm
Pluck,
I heard you didn’t get a good nap today. You might want to get some sleep. It might help you have less stress hormones and more horney hormones.
April 16, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Wow…how many people are drawn to your website by it’s name? And are those the people you seek to “preach” to? I heard of this site through my sister, I’m satisfiedhousewife’s aunt. Saw that she got an award from you. Guess that’s better than the Noble Peace Prize, eh? I stumbled across this topic cuz I was just reading an article about Dr. Laura on the same topic. She also communicates that it is every wife’s duty to have sex with her husband as often as he wants. I understand the point…but the Word says “the measure of a man is….upon the countenence of his wife’s face”, a minor detail for some. But for many other husbands unlike yourself, there really are the “hey it was great for me musta been great for you” guys out there, using their wives as sex objects, and sometimes these men are unemployed while their wives work. As a counselor at correctional facilities and inpatient hospitals, I have seen “the worst of the worst” so to speak. And despite their poverty, laziness, drunkeness, you name it, still have access to radio, TV, and computers. Your blogs give just enough needed ammo to men who are domestically violent and controlling already. I’ve spoken with women whose husbands would demand sex, citing their biblical right, and just taken them. No foreplay, no real warning, extremely painful and humiliating. I’m sure that’s not your intent, But it fuels that fire that still burns in our culture today, I work in the field of mental health, and I KNOW I don’t get paid as much as the men do. Facts are facts. Women shot themselves in the foot when they asked for equality, I truly believe that. I would’ve loved to have stayed home, barefoot and pregnant, with a loving husband. But I had terrible tastes in men back then (probably due to my own childhood trauma) so now I have to support 3 boys on my own. Anyways, this is going long….but I think another factor is sexual abuse, I read one statistic (they’re all differnet because it’s self-report) that cited one in three people had been abused. That’s A LOT of people, who may have NO interest in sex, or may be addicted to it. Those are just my thoughts on the matter.
So is this site your church? I LOVE my church community, it’s kinda small so far, but very missional, lots of outreach, fellowship, Bible study. It’s simple, non-judgemental (seriously, the pastor wears flip flops), we just get together to learn and to worship.
April 16, 2007 at 9:13 pm
First, thoughtful comment. I’m impressed Anne. You didn’t judge me or anything. Good for you.
Second, I never intend any of my posts to be a complete commentary on any complicated issue. There are just too many aspects of complicated issues to cover them in any single post. What I will say is any husband who loves his wife will treat her as such; Any wife who loves her husband will treat him as such.
Are their spouses who don’t love each other? Certainly. I mentioned specifically this post does not cover every possibility.
April 20, 2007 at 10:35 pm
first i want to say that i relly enjoyed readding all these posts. i stumbled on this site looking for some way to get my wife intrested in me again. we have been married for a little over a year and at first everything was great. now i know as time goes on people chang and life is not a honneymoon, but…. i am one of those men who work for a living, 60+ hours a week, mostly to support her wants. when i get home i am normaly exahusted but offten as not i end up cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing dishes, basiclay as the one lady weas saying i am doing all the work work and all the house work, both of them. she spends most of every day sitting on the couch watching tv. how am i suposed to have energy for romancing her when im putting 10 to 12 house in at the shop and then come home and put in another 3 to 4 doing house work? in the last 3 months we have made love 2 times and both times it was kinda like she was doing me a favor. i have tried to talk with her about it, and she just breakes down crying saying how sorry she is, but then the next week is the exact same as the last. it is verry frusterating. i dont know what to do. i love her, but i feel like a roomate not a husband. please if you have any ideas that you think might help i would apreciate it verry much
April 21, 2007 at 10:00 am
Hi Ben, thanks for taking time to make a thoughtful comment. I think I’ll answer your question as a post rather than here.
April 21, 2007 at 10:52 am
[...] to Fix Your Marriage Ben commented on this thread and made some interesting points, so I thought I might respond to it with a new post. Here is Ben’s [...]
December 13, 2007 at 10:42 am
[...] Whore Church is full of great writing, I envy this guys pen. Every so often they actually get into an intelligent discussion about sex that, while it doesn’t answer the problems, at least looks at them from differing points of view: Why Don’t Women Like Sex? [...]
October 6, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I think it all comes down to that one word- expectation. It can mean one of two things: expectation of something wonderful, or something expected of you. There’s nothing wrong with expecting sex if its coming from a place of love, romance, mutual satisfaction, etc. Its something to look forward to! Sometimes, tho, when you’re in a committed relationship, sex becomes more of a routine, just as housekeeping does, and when you look at it like that- as a chore that needs to be done as a result of a formal or informal contract, thats when you run into problems. I dont think sex should ever be considered part of a trade or exchange. As a woman, i like to feel desired, sought after, wanted, and maybe most women just want their men to work harder for their affections. I dont mean begging and whining if they dont get sex, I mean persuing them and seducing them even after they’ve “got” them. That goes the same for women- they need to be attractive to their men, and make their men want them. Lastly, we’ve all heard that marriage is all about give and take, so when someone’s had a rough day, and they just want to be held or go to sleep, i think thats the time when the other spouse should put their needs aside, and accommodate for the other person. WC, i’ve read many of your blogs, and i think you’ve got the right idea about marriage and sex. You seem very happy and from what you’ve written about your wife, she seems quite satisfied as well.
November 19, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Here is a little common sense…Doesn’t matter what any of you say…BOTTOM LINE!
My girl has a hard day, I give her a foot massage or a back rub, or an arm rub…and I WANT to do these things…sometimes these can last up to 30-45 minutes. She has come to expect this, but I don’t mind because it MAKES HER HAPPY.
Why then (and I know this or a very similar case applies to many I have spoken to) is 10 to 15 minutes (on average and could be quicker if she is THAT tired) such A HUGE FRIGGIN DEAL!?!?!
Bottom Line – men do things to make their women happy, why can’t women have sex knowing it makes their men happy? Then when their man cheats its “Oh my god, I can’t believe it!?!?!” Well, believe it, because men are animals (so are women), when an animal is hungry you should feed it if you don’t want it to bite you. Thats not being a jerk, thats a biological and ironically sociological fact. You ask ANY man..ANY man!!! “What makes you happy?” 1.) Sex 2.) Food 3.) Appreciation 4.) Don’t nag me. Then you hear women always say ” Men are soooo confusing!” Get over yourself sweetheart, men are the retard version of the rubics cube, NOT HARD TO SOLVE! You give a man those 4 things and he won’t stray unless a 10 (or much better looking woman than you) shows up naked in his bed (once again we are only animals) which the odds of that happening are zero! Give a man those 4 things he will NEVER stray, trust me. Unless he falls into the exception category of scumbag, mother issues, low self esteem, messed in the head….Most guys truly want to be happy deep down, BUT turning them down for sex isn’t a fast track to happiness!!!
May 1, 2009 at 12:27 pm
There is one single reason why wives quit having sex with their husbands. They no longer love or respect that person, plain and simple. For woman, a sexual encounter is more about the emotional side of things as apposed to the physical side of things. Men can easily have great sex with a woman they hate as long as that woman satisfies the mans criteria for a woman he would want to have sex with. Woman have trouble with this and it shows very obviously.
And to address that idea of “you do not have to have sex if you do not want to”, that is total and complete bullshit. As a wife you are obligated to have sex with your husband on a regular basis. Just as men are obligated to only seek sex from their one partner. This is the agreement. If you break your end of the bargain as a wife, do not be surprised when your husband breaks his end of the bargain and finds great sex elsewhere. You will have no one to blame but yourself.
And yes most woman think that they can place conditions on sex which is totally wrong and should not be allowed to transpire gentlemen. To the poster above who said something to the tone of “if you start treating your woman the way she wants to be treated, I think you will start having more sex”, you are part of the problem and not the solution. This is of course called extortion in every other circle of the world and is illegal.
It is comical to hear woman whine about how men are dogs while they are completely ignorant to the fact that they are the ones who made them that way. A person’s body is their body and they should have a say so in what happens to it, but when you enter into a union of marriage, you freely give up some of those rights to your body. A marriage is supposed to be a joining of two people into a single union so given this fact, a wife telling her husband no sex is like your hand telling your leg that is itching “sorry no scratching for you”.
Yes woman, you do have the basic human right to decide when and where to open your legs but know that these decisions do not come without consequences. If you plan to have a long happy marriage, you had better start opening them more frequently and with less opposition.
May 1, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I just have one point to make here: not all women even like sex. Period. I’m not trying to be rude, and I’m not saying that they aren’t capable of love. But many aren’t capable of reaching orgasm; or find the activity irritating, painful, repulsive, and/or humiliating; or just think it’s gross. They didn’t STOP enjoying it; they just never did. Someone with this condition might, indeed, consider the requirement to satisfy their partner as a chore.
So the question which remains, then, is: if one holds no interest in, (literally,) allowing someone else to regularly physically and emotionally abuse them, should they ignore all cravings of emotional connection? Should these people never date or marry, then? Should they keep to themselves for the duration of their lifetime to avoid connecting with someone who would expect them to subject themselves to this activity for their entertainment and amusement? If she did enter an emotional relationship with no sexual desire and was upfront with her partner about it, then does taking the relationship to the marriage level still obligate her to satisfy his need?
I’m not speaking for all women nor am I claiming to know the answer to this situation. I’m just pointing out that it’s one existing possibility. I know that this is not a healthy example, but it is one very real reason why some women truly do hate sex but don’t necessarily want to. I don’t think that anyone should have to do anything that they don’t want to do. I think that if a woman honestly can’t stand the activity for — for whatever reason she has — and she has been up front about it from the start, then she shouldn’t have to do it. I also think that if, at any time, her partner changes his mind about being “okay” with this situation, he should immediatly leave and find a situation which is more comfortable for him.
May 5, 2009 at 5:47 pm
to the previous poster… if she dosent want to subject her husband to the tortcher of not being able to get what is his right then, then yes she should never marry. if one party is incapable of preforming the duties requierd by a contract then they shoudlent enter into that contract. thats like buying a house and then telling the bank, ‘it will cause me financial hardship to pay this house off”.
May 17, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Newsflash: I love sex. I love having multiple orgasms. I love feeling close to my man. The problem is, my man does not understand foreplay – and I am not talking about the kissing and petting part. I am talking about the sense of oneness – the all for one and one for all mentality. I need it. I need that more than I need sex. But, this kind of foreplay must be too much emotional work for my guy because even though I explain to him that I really need to feel like a team – like we are close – in order to really enjoy sex – and in most cases to even desire sex – he still doesn’t want to go there. And so, for tonight, I will have sex with myself rather than with him because if he doesn’t get it then I don’t want him.
June 12, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I think it’s a disservice to men and women to make overly generalized statements regarding their gender roles.
I don’t totally agree that a woman MUST provide sex for her husband, because that can become a nightmare fast.
Have you been with someone who basically made sex such an unpleasant, or humiliating experience that you became very reluctant to ask for it?
I personally hate not having foreplay, or giving oral pleasure to my wife, because then it becomes this odd circus of grunts, and long-suffering sighs that usually ends up with me feeling like crap afterward.
That’s not to say that there aren’t any good experiences, but she is a bit of a whacko, and constantly changes her conditions on what turns her on, so what was good before is now out.
She has confided about her fantasies, and most of those involve her humiliating someone, or making them do something humiliating to themselves. I should have taken the clue, but blinded by love, the fool walks off the precipice.
I am not so sure cheating is a good idea either, but it sure would be nice to have someone who wanted me and was actually turned on by me without having to resort to alcohol, or stories about degrading someone.
Damn, I hadn’t intended to actually write that stuff, but after 17 years of marriage, I needed to vent. I really don’t have anyone to talk to or confide in anymore.
August 7, 2009 at 7:26 am
Wow I’ve read every post on here just realizing how we women and men truly differ in what gets us going. I don’t really think that all women hate having sex. I just think that our priorities are slightly different. A woman can think about the pets needing to be fed, if the kids finished their homework, what house chores need to be completed, dinner ohh yeah I really need a shower and then have the 2 mins left over to say hmm what can I do now and think ohh yeah hey there honey. Now a man will think in just the opposite order. Starting with Hey Honey …of course. I even did a test on my husband before he went to work. I got into one of my lovely sex kitten costumes while he got dressed for work and sat propped up on the bed giving him that come hither look. Work, appointments, and everything went right out the window. He ended up arriving late to work but thoroughly happy. Now he tried that same thing with me on his day off thinking I would respond in the same fashion. I of course looked at him like he was crazy and said love you hun but I got to run.
This shows the obvious difference that men and women place on sex. It’s like we’ll get to it when we get there but usually not something that we’ll risk loosing everything for. If we even look in history men have fought wars over sex. It’s like wow is an orgasm that important?
Also looking at statistics you can even bring into play how many or how often a woman even has an orgasm. Statistics show that 100% of women faked an orgasm at some point in their life. 81% admitted doing so with a current partner. 72% do not reach orgasm through penile penetration alone. 29% of married women have never experienced an orgasm. Now all these statistics may not be up to date. I’m pretty sure there are some slight variations from these numbers but still this is pretty bad. So the question about why women hate sex really isn’t the problem. I think the issue is that some may not enjoy it as much. There could also be some issues with selfishness from men not really assisting in bringing her to orgasm. There are so many issues be it physical or emotional that could interrupt this sex desire.
The other issue too is that we’re not men. I’m pretty sure if men married men well then you wouldn’t have the issue about not getting enough. So if you decided to marry the opposite sex I feel a man should realize the desires of a woman are going to significantly change over time and also based on her emotional well being she may just not want it when you do. Her priorities tend to differ from a man’s.
Now you do have the minority where sex for some woman is something they need all the time. They have sex with the same hunger as men do. These are not the majority but minority. Now for them they feel equal in drive and desire and some can out do men.
We also have to keep in mind how society has told women to cherish their bodies, not to give it up so soon, when to have sex when dating, how if a guy pushes for sex to drop him. Where on the other hand men have been taught if she doesn’t give it up after date #3 drop her, having sex with as many women as possible is great and that makes you a man etc. The lists on both sides goes on and on.
So now woman are combating their own desires with the old traditional beliefs that they aren’t supposed to have any or worse not to act them out? I mean seriously lets think about when the gspot was discovered and how many men know where it is or even know how to stimulate it.
I also read on one of the post that with marriage you’ve dedicated yourself to sex whenever the other person wants it.. Now lets face it a woman’s sex drive is not the same as a man. Her emotional drive is obviously high then most men. So has the man dedicated himself to being there financially and emotionally? Ohh and if so then if you’ve dedicated yourself to being emotionally there , how can you be emotionally there if demanding her to be there sexually? Sounds like two people are not dedicating themselves at the same level.
Emotionally I may not want to have sex. Are you now going to pull out the sexual contract and say I’m not holding up my end of the bargain? I could just turn around and say hey we’ll I didn’t get off the last time so emotionally and sexually you’re contract has now been made null and void. It’s funny how we come back full circle with the same issue. I feel two people in a marriage should consider that there will be times when you want it and I don’t and it’s not going to happen and there will be times when you will not be there emotionally or financially. Should she be angry about it? Should a woman cheat because she didn’t get off a few times? Or maybe he didn’t listen to my sad story of when my cat died when I was 8? Or hey I didn’t get those pumps you said you were going to buy? That would be fair , but that’s not what you do. You just say hey there will be times when we may miss out on giving each other what we want but we’ll try to do the best we can with the time and energy that we both have.
If your car is in the shop do you just go out and buy a brand new one? You may rent one for a while (hand). But you just can’t wait for your car to return (woman) so you can drive it again. If you don’t cheat on a car then how can you cheat on a person? Then again if the car is always breaking down you may need to upgrade and buy a new car. lol
Sex should never have a demand. If a guy needs to go out and cheat because he’s not getting it more that she wants that seems alittle scary. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so demanding that if I miss a sex window that he would go looking elsewhere. It’s like since you didn’t listen to my story now I’m going to find a man who can?
That’s what friends and masturbation is for. When you don’t get it when you want it just go handle it yourself. It’s the same thing when a man isn’t there emotionally you just go chat with your friends. To me I feel this shouldn’t be such a main focus in a relationship.
It’s funny when I think about men, the scenario comes to mind of the person that eats a huge meal. They have absolutely no room for another bite. Then someone comes out with this fresh hot baked pie and all of a sudden you can now fit that fat piece of pie in your stomach. It’s like I thought you were full?
It’s the same thing when you ask a man to do something but he’s ohh so tired. You give him the look over for a sexual encounter and he’s ready to go like a race horse.
This just says when someone wants something bad enough they will drop everything to do it. So this is why women try to withhold sex because they feel well once you do everything that I’ve asked then you’ll deserve it. It’s like so you’re too tired for dishes but not to tired for sex? When sex really takes 20 times the effort?
I feel it’s like going back to the basics of being a child. Parents that just give and give their children without the need to show that the children are having to keep grades up, do chores etc , ends up leaving a child to have an expectation that no matter what he/she does or doesn’t do he’ll still get what he/she wants. There of course are the times when the child will work hard and still may not reap the benefits of a good grade. It’s not the best moment but that’s life. Things don’t always go the way you want.
So my example was to show we’re adults now we shouldn’t stomp our feet just because we don’t get our way all the time. Could you imagine a grown woman crying and screaming until you took her shopping? What world do we live in? It’s like Peter Pan all over again.
Bottom line it’s not always going to go a man’s way or a woman’s way but somewhere in between. It should never be one sided and I feel woman shouldn’t have to feel like a Porn Star,Pin Cushion, or Marion on Happy Days either to please a man nor should a man feel like a therapist, Bill Gates, or John Holmes to please us. We should realize that our needs will differ from our partners but that we do the best we can to fulfill each others need equally.
August 9, 2009 at 5:42 am
I have always compared my sex drive to a mans, I absolutely love sex, now I will agree that it is better with someone who knows you, your likes needs and desires. I have met men who feel the same way. Sex everyday if both partners are game is great. I have had relationships where the man was insistent, if the relationship was good, I could easily be persuaded. I recently married a man who has next to zero desire. It is very difficult, he wants to go right to sleep, hes tired, yet he managed to have all day to do what he wanted. I need him to want me because it makes me feel wanted desired, and loved. I am waay more reserved sexually in this relationship, I am very visual, enjoy porn wear sexy things to bed, I absolutely love oral sex with my husband, I feel he too ought to know because we are married, he too is obligated to have sex, and understand its importance to the relationhiip. He constantly brings up the arguement that the myth that all men want sex and think about it alot, does not apply to him. I can see that it is going to cause major problems. I need sex as a stress releif, and to feel loved in this relationship. I if I had my choice i would like sex every 2 or 3 days. Before we married we discussed it and I told him I would like it at least once a week. I am lucky to get it once a month and there are times I can tell its done out of obligation or because he feels bad. I try not to pressure him as that takes all the fun out of it, even for me, and he has trouble reaching orgaasm. When I was younger the toys would do fine, not anymore, I just try not to even allow myself to think about it. I will not cheat on this man. I will not divorce. But a marriage is a team effort and he makes no effort. I always try to meet his needs whatever they be. why do I chose men that are incapable of showing me love, in one way or the other.
August 26, 2009 at 4:16 pm
There are many answers to the question:
*Most American men are missing their foreskin. This has adverse effects. Google “Sex as Nature Intended It.”
*Most women have far lower levels of testosterone than men.
*Both genders struggle to keep passion going in a monogamous relationship, much as the love and respect may continue to grow.
August 30, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Oh come on! Most women work out side the home and are expected to come home be the nurtuer and care for the family, cook, and clean and then, be ready to jump in the sack and be ready to have sex? Please, maybe men should take a good look at themseves. How are you treating your wife? Many men in management treat their wives like they work for them. Does a woman really feel like bestowing the gift of sex on someone who has come home after a day of work and yelled at them? or treated them in some unkinf way? NO!!! This not the 1950’s where men worked paid all the bills and the little woman stayed home. It takes two to tango. Oh yes, and by the way men, womens bodies and hormones change during periomenopause and menopause. If you were to become impotent, you would expect us to understand. We expect the same.
November 10, 2009 at 2:26 pm
ok ive been with my wife for 12 years, and as usual sex has seemed to become a chore to her. I do more than my share around the house, all the cooking, look after 3 kids make their school lunchs ect…..needless to say she withholds sex all the time. She orgasms at least 98% of the time with a few times of ” its just not gonna happen tonigt” times. but we only have sex like 2-3 times a month, if im lucky. ive tried every angle from romance, cuteness, and just plain taking control. all get rejected. She just says there is no problem, shes just not in the mood. im very frustrated and se cantseem to undestand ortrto undersand. all sh says is ” yeah i know you dont get enough” and rolls over to go to sleep
any suggestions?