How to Fix Your Marriage

Ben commented on this thread and made some interesting points, so I thought I might respond to it with a new post. Here is Ben’s comment:

first i want to say that i relly enjoyed readding all these posts. i stumbled on this site looking for some way to get my wife intrested in me again. we have been married for a little over a year and at first everything was great. now i know as time goes on people chang and life is not a honneymoon, but…. i am one of those men who work for a living, 60+ hours a week, mostly to support her wants. when i get home i am normaly exahusted but offten as not i end up cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing dishes, basiclay as the one lady weas saying i am doing all the work work and all the house work, both of them. she spends most of every day sitting on the couch watching tv. how am i suposed to have energy for romancing her when im putting 10 to 12 house in at the shop and then come home and put in another 3 to 4 doing house work? in the last 3 months we have made love 2 times and both times it was kinda like she was doing me a favor. i have tried to talk with her about it, and she just breakes down crying saying how sorry she is, but then the next week is the exact same as the last. it is verry frusterating. i dont know what to do. i love her, but i feel like a roomate not a husband. please if you have any ideas that you think might help i would apreciate it verry much

To make this work I’m going to take all your comment as true. I know we will likely get some commentors who will say “maybe you’re not doing enough,” etc. But I’m going to treat this as absolute truth because this situation does exist for many young couples.

You don’t mention your ages, but I’m going to treat this as if this is your first marriage and you and your wife are in your 20’s.

When I used to do marital counseling I saw this—or some variety of this—fairly often.

This isn’t your problem. This isn’t your fault. Something’s going on here with your wife and it likely has nothing to do with you, though it is affecting you.

It sounds as if your wife accepts her role as your sexual partner but something about that role causes her distress. In addition it’s possible the reason she sits around all day without doing anything may be some level of depression. Depression can often cause people to feel guilty and ashamed as well as making it hard for them to take action to do things like clean house.

I would certainly recommend you talk to her about how she feels and possibly have her take an online test to see if she is depressed. It’s possible she believes she is just lazy when she is in reality ill.

You don’t mention why she isn’t working. If she is not depressed or if there isn’t some reason why she isn’t working just taking the step of getting a job might help her through mild depression. But keep in mind: Depression is a serious illness and she may need to see a doctor.

But what if she’s not depressed and she is just not taking responsibility for her role? I have seen that happen often with young couples and most overcome it as they get on with life.

For example: If you’re working 60 hours a week, have a modest sized home and no children, she should be able to keep the house without any help from you. It just doesn’t take that long.

If she is functional but just not keeping house, keeping herself attractive for you and watching you do all the work you have two options.

If you feel as if you can live in a messy, unkept house for a while, then explain at a non-threatening time how important it is to you the house be taken care of. Kindly explain that you work 60 hours a week and need for her to work a few hours a week keeping house. Make sure to make it clear you love her, are happy you married her, but you need her help here.

Then stop doing her work for her. Pick up after yourself, but do not pick up after her.

She may get mad at you initially, but don’t respond in kind. Stay as calm as possible. But be firm. She may cry. Stay firm.

She will likely see she needs to do her part fairly quickly.

But what if you can’t handle living in a mess? In that case you start out the same way—kindly explaining your position. But the next time you come home from work and dishes need to be done or the house is a mess, without losing your temper or asking for her to help, start cleaning.

When you’re done—and without losing your temper—sit down with her and explain again how you don’t want to live in squalor, and you shouldn’t have to come how to a house that’s a mess. Follow this same procedure every time you come home to a house that’s not being maintained.

The key is to help your wife see she has responsibilities in the marriage and she is choosing not to fulfill those responsibilities.

Now about your sex life…

What you will find if your wife is not suffering from mental illness she will feel better about herself as she keeps up with the house and likely your sex life will pick up as it did your first year of marriage. If not you will want to set up a non-threatening time (outside the bedroom) to talk about what the problem is. It’s possible there are things that have happened to your wife you aren’t aware of that cause her distress over sex.

I know this all sounds like a long process, but it’s worth it.