The Most Offensive Meme Ever

The LALOLKFATYK Meme

The evil Mark Steel tagged me with this meme. It took me an hour to fill out the freakin’ thing. This is WAAAAAAY too long, but for you, my loyal readers, I persevered.

WARNING: THIS IS OFFENSIVE. GET OVER IT. IN FACT, GET OVER YOURSELF, ‘CAUSE THAT’S REALLY WHY YOU FIND THINGS OFFENSIVE.

Others who have answered this meme include:

A Secular Franciscan Life – Billings, Montana, USA
Erica’s Blog – Brooklyn, New York, USA
Groanin’ Jock – Montrose, Scotland, Great Britain
The Kat House – Knoxville, Tennessee, USA
blogitude.com (Mark Steel) – Knoxville, Tennessee, USA
WhoreChurch.WordPress.com (Kevin Scott) – Northeast Correctional Complex, Mountain City, Tennessee, USA

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Some guy named Kevin. I don’t think my parents made it up, they must have heard it somewhere. Maybe it was the name of our mailman? Mama had a squeeze box.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I’ve been told it was during my last blackout and included a sloppy drunk hug on one of the Mikes saying, “you guys are the best friends ever. I mean it. I love you.”

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
We’ve been dating for a while, but I guess we’re still at the “like” stage—maybe even the “really like” stage, but we haven’t gotten beyond that—but I do have hopes! Maybe this handwriting is “the One.” You never know. I want to have 5 vowels, my handwriting wants to have 6 (ALL the time “y”) so we’ll see.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Cat.

[And all you who just got offended need to get a life. Or try it for yourself—it’s really quite tasty.]

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Several, but they haven’t gotten the court order yet to prove paternity.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
If I were another person I would be sooooo gay for me.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Only when answering overlong meaningless memes to piss off the person who sent it to me. Who, by the way, reveals his expected whereabouts on a regular basis and is oblivious to the ease at which the human skull can be penetrated by a .22 caliber shell from a distance of 100 yards when the sniper is trained and hiding in the parking lot across from Bailey’s.

Just sayin’

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Why? Did you find them?

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No because as a prank a bunch of us go to places where bungie jumpers gather and substitute non-bungee cords for all the bungee cords. It’s hilarious to watch.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Cat. (See, that’s a “call back” joke. If you’re offended again, you really need to spend less time on the internet, stop talking to your cats, lose 20 pounds and get laid. Really. Maybe 30. Just sayin’)

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I make sure they aren’t tied together before I put them on.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Like most 43 year olds, I USED to be strong. But it’s OK, I’m still well hung.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
My redhead. [Tip of the Mitre to New Young Pony Club.]

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
How inferior they are to me.

RED OR PINK?
Neither since I used that cream the doctor gave me.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
How my perfection makes others feel insecure around me.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My sister’s really well endowed, hot friend Tracy who used to come over to lay out on our deck. I was 13.

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m naked in oversized red clown shoes.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I wouldn’t refer to her as a “thing”—she’s my wife.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The voices. Please make them stop.

IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Wow, that’s tough. I want to say “Al Sharpton Racial Bigotry Profiteering Brown,” but then there’s “Ted Haggarty Hetero Like Sperm Stain White,” or “Bleeding for George Bush in Iraq Arterial Spray Crimson.” It’s hard to choose. I guess if I had to choose it would be “Porn Star Nipple Tan.”

FAVORITE SMELLS?
My own farts. Admit it, you love yours too.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
The hostage negotiator.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Nascar.

Well, Nascar hunting, that is.. No, I don’t mean Jeff Gordon on a hunting trip, I mean letting a bunch of drunken Nascar rednecks free to run in the infield at Bristol, then trying to run them down with your car.

FAVORITE HAIR COLOR[S]?
Flesh.

FAVORITE EYE COLOR?
White. Which, if you think about it, would look really cool.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes. White ones. Which, if you think about it, makes me look really cool.

FAVORITE FOOD?
Cat. Golly, this meme really is tough on cats.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Is the happy ending an extra $20? Oh, what the heck, give me the happy ending.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
That porn you and your girlfriend made. It was hot.

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Porn Star Nipple Tan. (ANOTHER call back joke. See how I conserve comedy? This way the comedy never runs out. Al Gore would be proud. Have you heard about his new documentary “An Inconvenient Joke”?)

SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer—at least she gave me the better lap dance of the two.

HUGS OR KISSES?
Just hugs and the occasional cheek kiss—Summer doesn’t kiss on the lips.

FAVORITE DESSERT?
Summer. (Again with the call back. Are you getting this? Think of all the comedy left over for others to use?)

MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Summer—if it’s at least a $20. (That’s four from one set up.)

LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Barry Manilow judging Miss Universe. (OK, that was lame. Really lame. I thunk and thunk and it was the best I could do.)

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
“How to Use a Blog Meme to Secretly Steal Others Identity and Pilfer their Bank Accounts”

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Probably the same thing that’s on your mouse’s pad. It’s just hard to get my mouse to wear it.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Your porno. You should be proud, it’s really quite good.

FAVORITE SOUND[S]?
My own voice.

ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES?
Are you kidding me? The Stones. Mick scores with everyone from groupies to THE FREAKIN’ QUEEN. All Paul could get was a bitchy, gold-digging gimp.

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Right Field.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yeah, wanna see?

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Well, it was kinda strange. From what I remember everything was nice, warm and dark. Life was good. Then it got rally uncomfortable. First, something sucked all the water out of my room. I was left laying in some spongy stuff. Then, it was like the walls closed in. Then, they relaxed. Soon, they closed in again.

Before I knew it I was being pushed, head first, through this tiny hole. Man it hurt. My head get pushed out and I’m looking at some lady’s ass. Right in my face. People were yelling and some guy wearing a mask pulls me out. It was blinding.

Then he hits me. I’m like “oh no you didn’t bitch—it is so on!” I was about to tear into him when he sucker punches me. In the feet. Man, you just can’t do that. The dude didn’t fight fair.

I yell. I guess he felt bad for sucker punching me, so he puts me on this stripper who puts her boob right in my mouth. RIGHT IN MY MOUTH. Man, I didn’t even have to tip her.

That’s about all I remember.

So I guess you could say I was born just north of this woman’s ass.

WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Nobody. How could anyone give better answers than me?