God’s Website: An Open Letter Critique

Dear loving Father,

The other day my friend Honjii told me about your website God.com. I would have visited it sooner, but “somebody” (yes I’m looking at you Holy Spirit) didn’t tell me about it. Sure he had time to talk to me about the Bengals prospects this year, but didn’t have time to tell me about the site.

I know older people seem to have trouble understanding the web, and since I have a good deal of experience I thought maybe you would like some input on how you can improve your site.

The site is simple. Simple can be good. Lots of white. Holy seems like white. Clean. Soul clean.

Good hook:

At some point in your life, you may have some of the following questions:

• Does God exist?
• Is there a heaven and hell?
• If so, how does one go to heaven?
• Why are there so many religions and which one is right?
• Is the Bible really true?
• Why is Israel a focal point in history?

Does God Exist? That’s a great hook. Here’s the problem: I went through the entire site and couldn’t find the answer to that one. You really need to have that there. Maybe a Polaroid with you holding a recent newspaper or something. A YouTube of you healing a cripple. Something. It’s a big question and if you are going to put it on your website you probably need to have the answer.

The same is true of some of the other questions: Is the Bible really true? That’s another great question lots of people are asking. Here’s the problem with that one: The only answer one the site is “the Bible is inspired by God.”

Today we all go to the movies and see movies “inspired” by true stories that are really very far from the truth. You have to be more specific.

I was thinking that once you put up a picture of yourself, then you could maybe show yourself doing some writing. Kinda like Stephen King—you know, he does a cameo in all his films. Get Spielberg or somebody to direct. It would be a hit and you would get into that Hollywood elite cliché everyone thinks is so anti-God.

You could change the world with the right PR.

OK, here’s the last one. Don’t get mad, I know you seem to think a lot about how we handle money. Hey, you know I’ve never given you a light envelope. I always made sure you got your cut.

But this site is for people looking to find you. They haven’t decided yet. Putting up a “donation” link is considered by most of them a turn-off. They already see you as greedy—why reinforce the stereotype?

If you just wait until they see how wonderful you are, they gladly pay their protection money each week.

Well, I hope that helps.

Your Loving Servant,

Whore Church