You are lame and, therefore, your blog is lame.
Because I need the entertainment your blog potentially provides, here are some of the most common mistakes unimaginative people like you make when you try to be funny but instead just look lame.
Choosing an Online Identity from Your Favorite Movie or Show
You are not The Dude, Kenny from South Park, Arnold Shwartzawhatever or your favorite sports star. You are you and you are lame. Be original. Embrace your lameness and choose a lame-ass username and suddenly, you’re hilarious. Calling yourself “Obi Wan” is not nearly as funny as calling yourself “Fat 30 Year Old who Lives in His Mother’s Basement, stroking it to Princess Leia.”
Basing Your Blog On Your Life
There are a few, very few, of us who have highly entertaining lives that everyone wants to hear about. I am blessed to be one of the few. You, however, are lame. Your life is lame. So is your dog, your apartment and your significant other.
You went to the convenience store today and got $5 too much change? Lame-o. Your cat had kittens? A litter of lame.
Base your blog on something offbeat. Your love of meat sculpture. Belly Button Lint of the Day. That’s good comedy.
Copying Someone Else’s Great Comedy
Love LOLCats? Great idea. Your LOL idea? LOL-Lame. Don’t think stealing someone else’s idea makes you cool, it just makes you lame. Don’t be an LOLCopyCat. It’s just lame. And sad. And sadly lame.
Don’t Steal Someone Else’s Title Just Because It’s the Post of the Day
The original? Blog Post of the Day. Yours? Lameness of the Day.
Don’t Pretend You have Readers
Your fifteen minutes of fame have either:
a) Not happened yet
b) Expired at high school graduation
c) Have been eclipsed by your overwhelming lameness
No one is reading your blog. Want to have readers? First, stop posting lameness. Then, learn how to attract readers. If you are a hot chick, sprinkle your pic around WordPress and social networking sites. If you are not a hot chick, write some posts with pictures of hot chicks. Then you will have readers.
Stop Posting YouTube
Yeah, we can find YouTube on our own. Yeah, we can click on the links and use the search function. It is lame to post Miss South Carolina, such as, U.S. Americans who, whereas, can’t spot, like, duplicate lame.
If you want to stop the lameness post the videos no one knows about. Show some effort to overcome the inertia of lameness that is your life.
Stop Being a Pussy
Hey Lame-o, have some convictions and opinions, will ya? I might be at odds with 17th century, young earth creationist, King James only, snake handling, delusional wackos, but at least they stick to their delusional opinions.
Tell those who disagree with you where to get off. Folding like wet origami when a commenter disagrees is LAME. Learn creative, humorous put downs for your detractors. Like “hey, didn’t you get arrested in the duck fucking bestiality crackdown at the Frisco Zoo?”
I could go on about your lameness, but this is probably all the lameness correction your lame mind can get its lame arms around at this point. Stop touching yourself and stop being lame. Now. Stop it.
If you liked this article, you will also enjoy (CAUTION – NSFW):
Tags: Blogging, Comedy, Lame Blog, Lameness, Wordpress, Wordpress.com, Writing Comedy
September 21, 2007 at 1:15 pm
This post would have been less lame if there were a picture of a hot babe right in it.
Just so y’know.
Kisses
September 21, 2007 at 1:23 pm
Better now Janie? (You complain after not one but TWO links to your blog. There’s no pleasing some people…)
September 21, 2007 at 1:37 pm
you a bit cranky today?
September 21, 2007 at 1:59 pm
It was supposed to be tongue in cheek, I guess it must not have come across that way. Maybe I need more similies.
September 21, 2007 at 2:23 pm
*snickering á la Beavis and Butthead*
tongue….cheek.
i don’t have hot chicks and i blog about my life. Luckily, i’m pretty effin’ naughty.
(but i could be lame for the right man. with the right font.)
elise
September 21, 2007 at 2:25 pm
You got me! Is it the same if you feel lame?
September 21, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Maybe I should put a disclaimer at the top not to read this post on any day you’re feeling vulnerable? I really thought it was funny. My redhead thought it was funny. My dog thought it was funny. My podiatrist thought it was funny.
C’mon, “littler of lame”? That’s good comedy there.
Elise,
I meant my own tongue in my own cheek. Get your mind out of the gutter. Oh wait, like you point out that’s what gets you readers. Nevermind.
September 21, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Oh King of All Whores,
You know I was only kidding and gently suggesting that you take your own advice in a blatant (and successful, I might note) attempt to get you to put in some skin.
Kisses
September 21, 2007 at 2:58 pm
I knew you were kidding Janie, I was just surprised no one else thought I was kidding. Oh well, at least I got to look through hundreds of bikini pictures to get to just the right one.
September 21, 2007 at 5:20 pm
hey, how’d you know i was touching myself??
that’s messed up, right there.
September 21, 2007 at 5:30 pm
[...] MC Hammer: Don’t Tase Me Bro This is what I meant by posting Toobies that not very many have seen. [...]
September 21, 2007 at 9:36 pm
I think this post spread the butter of kidding on the toast of truth, however it was also lamer than a man with no tongue in a cunnilingus contest.
September 21, 2007 at 9:43 pm
I knew your tongue was firmly planted in your cheek, but many a truth is said in jest. My other thought was that you clicked on one too many of those “lame blogs” or damn who pissed on your Wheaties!
September 21, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Whorish One –
nice font.
elise
September 21, 2007 at 10:07 pm
sex sells? oh my God you are a genius LOL! but seriously, pretty funny stuff…..
September 21, 2007 at 10:14 pm
i love the spoofed pic of the pope
September 21, 2007 at 10:50 pm
This entire post was aimed at me, wasn’t it? <_<
September 22, 2007 at 4:03 pm
Speaking of lame blogs…good job there.
September 22, 2007 at 6:16 pm
I think, Oh Distributor of Truth according to the Gospel of St. Whore of Church, that certain people thought it was serious and maybe even aimed at specific bloggers because maybe..MAYBE…some have acquiesced to the gutter of total lameness????
I’m like you Brother K… I hate blogs that go on and on about how much “Cissy loves Bud and their wonderful bliss ridden romance” or how “Little Timmy made his first Big Boy Doo-Doo potty”.
Lamer than a hobbled beggar in Medieval England.
With that said, we all lay literary eggs every once in a while. I think the one thing that plagues ALL bloggers is a lack of consistency but no one gets it right all the time.
I think it was the P.J. O’Rourke, the head pundit on the masthead at National Lampoon who once scribed, “Comedy isn’t pretty” and it isn’t. It’s the toughest genre to write. I’ve read blogs that are highly touted with thousand of claimants swearing on dead relatives’ graves on the Hoot Factor. These blogs live me thinking “What the fuck??”
Comedy is subjective. As is the perception of good, solid writing. One man’s fruit is another man’s Steinbeck.
Then again, there’s you and me.
LK
September 22, 2007 at 6:17 pm
I am starting a blog called Awesome Blog, and using the name McLovin. You should stop in. I ate a totally nasty PB&J, it is a great read.
September 22, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Ha ha, what a lame post. That girl looks….illegal.
September 22, 2007 at 6:47 pm
Ain’t nothing lame about that pic… jail bait perhaps.. but sure as hell not lame.
Where’s the bar at around here?
September 22, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Deconstruction is LAME
September 23, 2007 at 12:14 am
Loved your post and I got the joke. Ladies (and I use the term loosely) with big mammaries may be entertaining, but it is not a road I wish to go down. OK, I’m jealous. Are you happy now?
September 23, 2007 at 2:00 am
…how did you know I live with my mother?
September 23, 2007 at 6:53 am
[...] who weren’t sure if their blog was any good then have a quick look at the following link (Your Blog Is Lame – Click Here!). More lame and to the point it doesn’t get to [...]
September 23, 2007 at 2:06 pm
I second your post regarding lame blogs, screen names and all the other points. oy.
i also agree with lauriekendrick in her observations about comedy. too true that there is a clear lack of consistency in most blogs -who me?-
all of us have crappy days though. literally and literature-ly.
now where did i stash those topless pics of myself? hmmmmmmm
September 23, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Lame-ness in the world of free-blogging where everyone is allowed to publish crap-tastic content is ONE thing, but when I read lame-o-lame-edy stuff in print or paid publications, where I KNOW the writer A: beat out others and B: was awarded in some monetary/ego-boosting way, well THAT makes me wanna stab myself in the left eyeball (not the right one though, ’cause that’s my pretty eye
).
I’d be a hypocrite if I said I don’t “re-cap” my life via blog on a semi-regular basis, but I think I do it in a humorous way…???…or maybe not…meh, I’ll leave it up to the jury…
September 23, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Romi,
But then again SOME people have entertaining blogs about their lives.
I agree about paid writers as I is one. Once you get published, getting published is easy. Getting a regular gig is guaranteed to produce mediocrity. I know, I’m very mediocre.
Keep both your eyes, though, you never know when there will be an archery accident and you’ll need the spare.
September 23, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Love the post. I took notes, and I guess I won’t write anymore about my bowel movements, dog, or how I put sugar in my plant-water can to help the dying plants grow again. But what if I show a video of me in a generous thong sugar-watering my plants?
September 23, 2007 at 7:22 pm
I am not going to ask how you scored a pic of my sister, okay?
I’m just going to pray to the man upstairs for some understanding. And I gotta warn you, the man upstairs is a retired Russian mobster who lives alone, has cats and loves to travel.
September 23, 2007 at 9:09 pm
abarclay12,
By jove, I think you’ve got it!
GG,
That’s not your sister, it’s mine. We discussed this already, remember?
September 23, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Sister, schmister. i only want to know one thing:
Is the man upstairs single?
elise
September 23, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Now wait just a minute, that “some people” link went right to my blog!
Well gee, I’m blushing….thank you whore church, I’m flattered
…obviously everyone has their opinion, but I’m starting to like yours more and more 
Now I highly doubt this “I’m mediocre” business about you’re writing, but I’ll snoop around and find out for myself
September 23, 2007 at 10:29 pm
You forgot “don’t digg yourself on every other article you write.” and “for maximum lameness, when aligning photos with text, never ever use the horizontal space qualifier, as any buffer between text an image may cause someone to think you spent time considering your layout”.
As for lolcats: Some people try to copy ICHC for hits, and should be whipped against a wall. Others among us have been part of the evolution of caturday since its 4chan days.
While I love chz, I’m the first to agree we don’t need another.
September 24, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Bagel,
You say that like there’s something wrong with being whipped against a wall. *droll look*
elise
September 24, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Sub,
They have to learn their dirty, dirty lesson somewhere. Why not at my hand, here in the safety of Whore Church?
I just looked through the comments, and now I feel like a bully. I didn’t expect WC to backpeddle so easily and break the last rule right away. C’mon! You know we lessthanthree you!
September 24, 2007 at 4:56 pm
*odd look* Did the Bagel just address me as “sub?” Intriguing.
elise
September 24, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Who, me?
September 25, 2007 at 1:49 pm
As for the last point of your blog, Kevin … How’s that beard coming along? Ohh, clean shaven, huh?
October 11, 2007 at 8:23 pm
OK point taken…I’ll try harder next go round!
December 19, 2007 at 3:17 pm
[...] This is what I meant by posting Toobies that not very many have seen. [...]
May 30, 2008 at 1:47 pm
[...] whorechurch [...]
May 7, 2009 at 1:12 pm
NOMKTF comment3 ,
November 24, 2009 at 5:02 am
I really enjoyed reading your article, keep up making such exciting stuff!