Why God Hates Florida

Today another act-of-the-G’man hit Florida. It made me think. While I have a firm grasp on why God does the things He does, perhaps you, my mentally inferior readers, need some help understanding.

Here is why God hates Florida:

• OLD PEOPLE

  Let’s face it–most of the people who die are OLD. That’s because God doesn’t like old people. It’s simple math. He puts them to death in alarming numbers. In fact, he REALLY HATES people over 100. (And he hates Willard Scott for talking about them. That’s why Willard Scott is bald.)

• JEWS

  The Jews killed Jesus. Sure Jesus was “supposedly” a Jew, but there isn’t a text in the Bible with the words “Jesus was a Jew.” So there. Florida is full of Jesus-hating Jews. And they’re greedy too. Just ask them for a loan.

• CUBANS

  God hates the evil communist Cubans, that’s why He keeps drowning them in the ocean. He allows some of them to come to Florida so he can wipe out thousands at a time with hurricanes, floods and the ATF. He hates them because they come to take our jobs and our women and God has already chosen American White Women (AWW) for us American White Men. Plus, God knows given enough time those Spanish speaking bastards will find the Fountain of Youth.

• THE STATE IS SHAPED LIKE A PENIS

  God is a male and looking dowm from heaven at a flaccid man part makes him feel funny. He gets tingly then angry and he just has to hit that. I mean, send a natural disaster.

• MICKEY MOUSE

  God hates the mouse. Have you ever been to Disney on a Sunday Morning? Is anyone worshiping our Lord? No. Instead they are worshiping the fag-loving image of the Mickey Mouse beast.

• HEAT

  As one travels through Florida one will regularly hear “it’s hotter than hell here.” God is sick of people comparing Orlando in August to the ETERNAL FLAMES OF HELL so he kills them to show them the difference. Heaven is about Ice Cold A/C that will SET YOU FREE.

But the biggest reason God hates Florida is this:

• THE FAMILY MAN

  Watch this video. It’s self explanatory.

Thank you Lord for loving me and hating Florida.

Tags: Cuba, Cubans, Florida, Homosexuality, Miami, Penis, The Family Man