Bringing the Magic Baby

My youngest took a picture of my new “office space” this past weekend, so I thought I would show you were I make the magic that is Whore Church:

That’s it, my little corner of the world wide web.

Here is a guide to what you see on and around my desk:

1. 13″ color TV so I can indulge in my love of Robin Meade Headline News. The box beneath the TV is the cable box that allows me to get illegal Bosnian midget clown porn.
2. Nifty little pen and pad mouse so I can draw pretty pictures on my computer.
3. Printer that uses a special light beam I invented called a “Laser”.
4. The slightly damaged laptop made famous by my youngest son. He still is banished from my office area.
5. Wrap around sunglasses for when I am writing really extra-cool posts.
6. Cheap speakers I got for free to replace the ones I bought from Dell which no longer work. These are usually jamming to Barenaked Ladies. (No Mom, not that kind. It’s a band.)
7. Picture of me and my eldest in the dugout during High School baseball playoffs his senior year. They lost and I didn’t let him out of his closet for a week to teach him a lesson.
8. Picture of my dad and mom in Alaska. Unfortunately they came home. I mean, uh, it was so nice to have them back.
9. Desktop picture of my redhead. Don’t tell her about the Robin Meade joke above.
10. Picture of me and my redhead as we moved back to Cincy 25 years ago for me to return to Fundy U. I had hair and was skinny. My redhead hasn’t changed. You can tell her I said that.
11. Picture of my youngest–probably from 8th grade or so. He won’t let me have any newer pictures where people can see them. He thinks his hair looks funny. I agree.
12. Dr. Evil Coffee Mug with extra strength java.
13. Ergonomically designed, fart deadening, three way adjustable rolling office chair–designed for older men with bad backs. I chose not to get the optional hemerrhoid cushion.
14. Dell XPS 4800 with AI. This advanced computer is not available to the general public but as a valued Dell customer I was sent one to Beta test. It has a 10 terabyte hard drive, 5 gigabytes of SD Ram, Instant Backup, Forest Firewall, Wireless Internet, Encrypted Satellite Access to the secure government intranet and the artificial intelligence is learning to write my posts for me.
15. This is where I put the letters George Bush keeps sending me asking for advice. He can’t figure out “electronical mails”, “internets” or “the Google.”
16. Bible, prayer book and prayer cards. I have to cover up this cubbyhole when I visit porn sites.
17. Wireless mouse that is completely controlled by my thoughts. Only I have to think in Russian. Just like Clint Eastwood (a special prize to anyone who gets that reference.)
18. Keyboard. I had this custom made to include not only the standard ASCII keys, but also keys I can use to write in tongues and to type Prince’s unspeakable name.
19. This drawer contains all the mysteries of the universe. No one is allowed to open it unless their name is Pandora. Or they’re a really hot red head.
20. A little man lives in this cubby. He flosses my teeth while I write using the cutest little mini-rope. I feed him Cheetos and call him Mr. Handypants.

Tags: Humor, Humour, Life, My Computer