Islam is ICKY. Meet Tom and Bill, Warriors for Christ

Over at the Sanctification blog I met Tom and Bill.

Tom and Bill are a couple of God’s warriors who know all about evil Islam and how all the little brown skinned Muslims just need to give up their religion of hate and intolerance and adopt their Christian religion. After all, Christianity doesn’t teach violence, intolerance or hate.

Yeah Jesus!

Anyway, I took time to comment on one of the posts and immediately my commitment to Christ was challenged. Luckily I am so full of the Holy Spirit I went immediately into a trance and God gave me this inspired response. Enjoy:

Bill:

Where does your version of Christianity come from?

I’m still using ChristOS 98. I know, I know, but I haven’t had time to do the upgrade and now I hear ChristVista is full of bugs so I’m going to wait until they work out the kinks to get the upgrade.

Are you running ChristVista? Or are you still running ChristXP?

Have you ever read anything Jesus said?

No, I can’t read, but Jesus comes to me every night and teaches me by candlelight everything I need to know. Just like Lincoln.

Wanna hear some of my favorite verses?

Here is a selection from Matthew 23

3Dnot do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. 4They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them….

10Nor are you to be called ‘teacher,’ for you have one Teacher, the Christ. 11The greatest among you will be your servant. 12For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

13″Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to….

15″Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are….

23″Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. 24You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

Really, I like the whole chapter. You see, I know I’m evil. Your problem is you don’t know how truly evil you are. You demonstrate by your very questions that you have no clue how evil you are.

Embrace your inner evil. Only then will you be able to be set free.

“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell” (Matthew 5:21-22). Also, if you don’t love your brother, the Bible says you abide in death, and you’re a child of the devil (1 John 3:10, 3:14).

I never called you guys fools. I called you idiots. By definition an idiot is a person of inferior intelligence. That’s you guys. I could have called your ignoramuses and been accurate.

But fools you are.

I tell you this because I love you enough to tell you the truth. Who is a fool Biblically? Let’s see, just from Proverbs 1:

“fools despise wisdom and discipline.” – Pro 1:7

You see, when you start making pronouncements about Islam without even knowing the basics, you show yourself as a fool. But there’s more…

“For the waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them” – Prov 1:32

OK, I know you guys don’t have a good edumacation, so I need to define the big word up there. “Complacency” is when you are satisfied with your level of ignorance.

That’s where you are: Don’t try to learn anything about Islam or even the Bible, just perpetuate the ignorance you have been taught.

I do find it interesting your response to me is to claim I am going to the realm of toasty warmth because I don’t love you. And I’ll bet the irony of that is completely lost on you.

Are you born again?

I am bored again.

Tell me, oh wise ones, what is the evidence of “rebirth”? I understand what J to the C was telling to Nick, but I don’t think you have a clue. What is it that makes one born again, do you know?

Tom, on September 17th, 2007 at 10:04 pm Said:

You have referred to yourself as a follower of Christ. Please share with us your Christian background. What denomination do you belong to? Do you attend church each week?

I don’t go to church, I am the church.

But before I go on, what does my spiritual orientation have to do with truth? Otherwise, if you are wrong and I point it out and I meet all your Christian check list points, then you’ll know you’re wrong? Or are you looking for a reason to dismiss truth by deciding I can’t be right because I am not the right kind of Christian?

How do you believe a person gets to Heaven? Do you think Jesus is the only way to Heaven?

I’ll answer you the way Jesus answered those who wished to condemn him: Ted Haggard: Was he sent from God or man?

I don’t mean to be rude but I am having my doubts about your understanding of the Christ you claim to follow.

That is extremely rude and pretty much off topic. And you did mean to be rude. That’s OK, I have noticed Christians lose their manners pretty quickly when someone disagrees.

Again, what does truth have to do with my understanding of Christ? If the things I am saying are true, then they are true.

Tom, on September 17th, 2007 at 10:11 pm Said:

Bill,

I appreciate you stepping in and making this a tag team match instead of a 2 on 1 handicap match. Keep up the good fight.

Count it all as persecution when people point out your stupidity. The good news is that I will post this at my blog so you will get lots of traffic. Sure, it will be point and laugh traffic, but again think of the rewards.

The Noah’s Ark Challenge

Young earth creationists and all Biblical literalists (yes I’m looking at you Alabama) take the Noah’s ark story to be literal history.

Noah built an ark, placed the animals on the ark, rode the waves for a year and emerged unscathed and ready for heavenly humping.

Over at The Big Picture blog, Jeff makes a challenge to these fundamentalists: Do it. Since we are told the dimensions of the ark, how long it was at sea, etc. go ahead and get a group of 8 hardy souls to duplicate the effort.

Good idea. But here’s the problem: If the folks at fundy groups like Answers in Genesis actually did the experiment and failed, it wouldn’t change their belief at all. They would say the reason they failed while Noah succeeded was simple:

God did it.

And that’s the problem.

Mike Huckabee: A Dangerous Candidate

Toobie with Mike Huckabee answering a question about his belief in creation from the recent debate:

I found this Toobie at first surprisingly good, then questionable and finally distressing. Let me break it down for you.

At first Huckleberry–I mean Huckabee–says something I think I would agree with: This is the wrong place for this kind of question. I am not creating a curriculum, etc. If he had stopped there I think it would have been a plus.

But he couldn’t.

As a former Southern Baptist preacher Huckleberry had to share his faith. After all, if you are ashamed of God Jesus before men, God Jesus will be ashamed of you before Jesus God. (I always have trouble with that—we will all appear before the Judgment Seat of Christ. Or God will judge? Maybe God is saving the seat for Jesus?)

(Just kidding G-Dawg. Remember, I’m just dust. Just a little dusty. I’m not perfect, just forgiven.)

Huckleberry quotes Genesis 1:1. “In the Big Inning, Casey was up to bat…”

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. To me, it’s pretty simple. A person either believes that God created this process or believes that it was an accident and that it just happened all on its own.

Ok Hucky baby, stop there. You’ve proven you believe in God, you quoted scripture and you didn’t sound too much like a preacher. Stop there and you might get out of this without needing a transfusion.

Well, let me be very clear: I believe there is a God. I believe there’s a God who was active in the creation process.

Now, how did he do it and when did he do it and how long did he take, I don’t honestly know. And I don’t think knowing that would make me a better or a worse president.

But I’ll tell you what I can tell this country: If they want a president who doesn’t believe in God, there’s probably plenty of choices. But if I’m selected as president of this country, they’ll have one who believes in those words that God did create.

OK, now he’s done it. He’s gone all evangelical indignation. This bitch is ON.

And as the words of Martin Luther, here I stand. I can do no other. And I will not take that back.

I knew Luther. You, sir, are no Luther.

But I believe, whether God did it in six days or whether he did it in six days that represented periods of time, he did it. And that’s what’s important.

The poo just hit the cooling unit. Hucky baby you can’t tell people you don’t know enough about your imaginary friend to know HOW he did it, but you know it was one of two ways.

Quick, pull down your dress, your fundy is showing.

But, you know, if anybody wants to believe that they are the descendants of a primate, they are certainly welcome to do it. I don’t know how far they will march that back.

Actually I believe we are all descended from Charles Darwin. Except for people from Arkansas—they’re descended from a beer drinking, inbred, racist, fundamentalist redneck primates.

But I believe that all of us in this room are the unique creations of a god who knows us and loves us, and who created us for his own purpose.

Oh boy Hucklebee, you let the cat out of the bag. Sure you’re maybe not a Young Earth Creationist, but you believe God has called you to be President. That He has a divine need for you to do something great.

Ugh.

Realize two things about Huckleberry: He is on a mission from God. Kinda like the Blues Brothers without the soundtrack. Being on a mission from God gives he absolute assurance in his decisions. If he gets elected he’s going to do whatever he wants to do with absolute moral certainty. He’ll invade a country. Create chaos.

Those who don’t remember the present are doomed to repeat it.

Win Ben Stein’s Theology

I like Ben Stein. He is funny, smart, deadpan and devilishly good looking.

But you need to hear about his latest project. It’s a documentary about how BIG SCIENCE is suppressing the scientists who support intelligent design.

The trailers look very Michael Moore-ish with Stein embarking on an innocent, no agenda mission to see what’s going on with the intelligent design movement. Much to his no-agenda surprise, he finds the theist intelligent design supporting scientists are being silenced by BIG SCIENCE.

How shocking. How surprising. After all, documentary film makers never start with an agenda because there’s no money in making documentaries. It’s all about truth.

Just look at how little these documentaries actually earn:

Plus only a couple of these have won an Oscar so there’s not really any glory in it either. It’s all about the truth. And the children. For God’s sake won’t somebody think about the children?

Big Science and Evil Darwinists are out to destroy your children’s faith while replacing it with the unproven theories of Darwin. Untested, unobservable theories.

Have some common sense: If you found a watch in the woods, would you think somehow the random forces of nature over millions of years formed that watch? Or would you think someone was here before you and dropped the watch there?

It doesn’t take a scientist and all their sciency words to figure this out. We don’t need science. We have the Bible. (Even though Stein only believes the first part, creation is covered in verse numero uno muchacho.)

I encourage you to support Ben and his important work by visiting his website and exploring the important resources he has for parents, leaders and, yes, the children.

TGI Fundys

Answers in Genesis Announces Winners of Its Fiction Essay Contest

Here is a great blog post with details:

http://zenoferox.blogspot.com/2007/08/spanking-creationists-again.html

Let’s Get Woman Back Into the Kitchen Where They Belong

Southern Baptist Seminary thinks the best way to help the family is to have a homemaking course—and then making it available only to women. It sounds like a good idea: Teach patriarchy and submission and these women will be more pleasing to God.

http://www.baptiststandard.com/postnuke/index.php?module=htmlpages&func=display&pid=6639

Because He Couldn’t Drive to Rome

Thomas Nursey was mad at God so he did the only logical thing he could: He drove his pickup truck into the St. Anastasia Catholic Church. Turns out God wasn’t there at the time so God remains uninjured, but doubting Thomas has found a new home at the St John’s Correctional Facility.

http://www.local6.com/news/13895251/detail.html

Ted Haggard Needs Your Help

Teddy wants to start a new ministry and he’s looking for your money to do it. He’s attending the university of Phoenix, and can’t make enough money. But after two years he will graduate and he plans to start the Phoenix Dream Center. Here’s a quote from a letter he sent to a Colorado ABC affiliate:

It looks as though it will take two years for us to have adequate earning power again, so we are looking for people who will help us monthly for two years. During that time we will continue as full time students, and then, when I graduate, we won’t need outside support any longer.

But for the next two years, we will need support. Between now and the end of the year, we have to find the people who want to help us transition into our future. So I am starting today to let friends like you know that we are raising money for support as we move into the Phoenix Dream Center.

Of course he didn’t put into the letter that he still owns his $700,000 house in Colorado Springs.

http://www.queerty.com/news/ted-haggard-wants-your-dough-20070823/