Islam is ICKY. Meet Tom and Bill, Warriors for Christ

Over at the Sanctification blog I met Tom and Bill.

Tom and Bill are a couple of God’s warriors who know all about evil Islam and how all the little brown skinned Muslims just need to give up their religion of hate and intolerance and adopt their Christian religion. After all, Christianity doesn’t teach violence, intolerance or hate.

Yeah Jesus!

Anyway, I took time to comment on one of the posts and immediately my commitment to Christ was challenged. Luckily I am so full of the Holy Spirit I went immediately into a trance and God gave me this inspired response. Enjoy:

Bill:

Where does your version of Christianity come from?

I’m still using ChristOS 98. I know, I know, but I haven’t had time to do the upgrade and now I hear ChristVista is full of bugs so I’m going to wait until they work out the kinks to get the upgrade.

Are you running ChristVista? Or are you still running ChristXP?

Have you ever read anything Jesus said?

No, I can’t read, but Jesus comes to me every night and teaches me by candlelight everything I need to know. Just like Lincoln.

Wanna hear some of my favorite verses?

Here is a selection from Matthew 23

3Dnot do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. 4They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them….

10Nor are you to be called ‘teacher,’ for you have one Teacher, the Christ. 11The greatest among you will be your servant. 12For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

13″Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to….

15″Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are….

23″Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. 24You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

Really, I like the whole chapter. You see, I know I’m evil. Your problem is you don’t know how truly evil you are. You demonstrate by your very questions that you have no clue how evil you are.

Embrace your inner evil. Only then will you be able to be set free.

“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell” (Matthew 5:21-22). Also, if you don’t love your brother, the Bible says you abide in death, and you’re a child of the devil (1 John 3:10, 3:14).

I never called you guys fools. I called you idiots. By definition an idiot is a person of inferior intelligence. That’s you guys. I could have called your ignoramuses and been accurate.

But fools you are.

I tell you this because I love you enough to tell you the truth. Who is a fool Biblically? Let’s see, just from Proverbs 1:

“fools despise wisdom and discipline.” – Pro 1:7

You see, when you start making pronouncements about Islam without even knowing the basics, you show yourself as a fool. But there’s more…

“For the waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them” – Prov 1:32

OK, I know you guys don’t have a good edumacation, so I need to define the big word up there. “Complacency” is when you are satisfied with your level of ignorance.

That’s where you are: Don’t try to learn anything about Islam or even the Bible, just perpetuate the ignorance you have been taught.

I do find it interesting your response to me is to claim I am going to the realm of toasty warmth because I don’t love you. And I’ll bet the irony of that is completely lost on you.

Are you born again?

I am bored again.

Tell me, oh wise ones, what is the evidence of “rebirth”? I understand what J to the C was telling to Nick, but I don’t think you have a clue. What is it that makes one born again, do you know?

Tom, on September 17th, 2007 at 10:04 pm Said:

You have referred to yourself as a follower of Christ. Please share with us your Christian background. What denomination do you belong to? Do you attend church each week?

I don’t go to church, I am the church.

But before I go on, what does my spiritual orientation have to do with truth? Otherwise, if you are wrong and I point it out and I meet all your Christian check list points, then you’ll know you’re wrong? Or are you looking for a reason to dismiss truth by deciding I can’t be right because I am not the right kind of Christian?

How do you believe a person gets to Heaven? Do you think Jesus is the only way to Heaven?

I’ll answer you the way Jesus answered those who wished to condemn him: Ted Haggard: Was he sent from God or man?

I don’t mean to be rude but I am having my doubts about your understanding of the Christ you claim to follow.

That is extremely rude and pretty much off topic. And you did mean to be rude. That’s OK, I have noticed Christians lose their manners pretty quickly when someone disagrees.

Again, what does truth have to do with my understanding of Christ? If the things I am saying are true, then they are true.

Tom, on September 17th, 2007 at 10:11 pm Said:

Bill,

I appreciate you stepping in and making this a tag team match instead of a 2 on 1 handicap match. Keep up the good fight.

Count it all as persecution when people point out your stupidity. The good news is that I will post this at my blog so you will get lots of traffic. Sure, it will be point and laugh traffic, but again think of the rewards.

The Noah’s Ark Challenge

Young earth creationists and all Biblical literalists (yes I’m looking at you Alabama) take the Noah’s ark story to be literal history.

Noah built an ark, placed the animals on the ark, rode the waves for a year and emerged unscathed and ready for heavenly humping.

Over at The Big Picture blog, Jeff makes a challenge to these fundamentalists: Do it. Since we are told the dimensions of the ark, how long it was at sea, etc. go ahead and get a group of 8 hardy souls to duplicate the effort.

Good idea. But here’s the problem: If the folks at fundy groups like Answers in Genesis actually did the experiment and failed, it wouldn’t change their belief at all. They would say the reason they failed while Noah succeeded was simple:

God did it.

And that’s the problem.

God’s Website: An Open Letter Critique

Dear loving Father,

The other day my friend Honjii told me about your website God.com. I would have visited it sooner, but “somebody” (yes I’m looking at you Holy Spirit) didn’t tell me about it. Sure he had time to talk to me about the Bengals prospects this year, but didn’t have time to tell me about the site.

I know older people seem to have trouble understanding the web, and since I have a good deal of experience I thought maybe you would like some input on how you can improve your site.

The site is simple. Simple can be good. Lots of white. Holy seems like white. Clean. Soul clean.

Good hook:

At some point in your life, you may have some of the following questions:

• Does God exist?
• Is there a heaven and hell?
• If so, how does one go to heaven?
• Why are there so many religions and which one is right?
• Is the Bible really true?
• Why is Israel a focal point in history?

Does God Exist? That’s a great hook. Here’s the problem: I went through the entire site and couldn’t find the answer to that one. You really need to have that there. Maybe a Polaroid with you holding a recent newspaper or something. A YouTube of you healing a cripple. Something. It’s a big question and if you are going to put it on your website you probably need to have the answer.

The same is true of some of the other questions: Is the Bible really true? That’s another great question lots of people are asking. Here’s the problem with that one: The only answer one the site is “the Bible is inspired by God.”

Today we all go to the movies and see movies “inspired” by true stories that are really very far from the truth. You have to be more specific.

I was thinking that once you put up a picture of yourself, then you could maybe show yourself doing some writing. Kinda like Stephen King—you know, he does a cameo in all his films. Get Spielberg or somebody to direct. It would be a hit and you would get into that Hollywood elite cliché everyone thinks is so anti-God.

You could change the world with the right PR.

OK, here’s the last one. Don’t get mad, I know you seem to think a lot about how we handle money. Hey, you know I’ve never given you a light envelope. I always made sure you got your cut.

But this site is for people looking to find you. They haven’t decided yet. Putting up a “donation” link is considered by most of them a turn-off. They already see you as greedy—why reinforce the stereotype?

If you just wait until they see how wonderful you are, they gladly pay their protection money each week.

Well, I hope that helps.

Your Loving Servant,

Whore Church

Touch Not the Lord’s Anointed

Ministry Today Just Doesn’t Get It. The article is very short so I put it here in total, my comments are inserted.

[Bolding Wisely Placed By Yours Truly]

The War on Error
By David Cannistraci

Are online heresy hunters bringing needed correction in the church or sowing disunity?

Davy-poo, Thanks for recognizing I’m a heresy hunter. Heck, I’ve got a black T-Shirt I wear with my black commando pants tucked neatly into assault boots when I go to a church. The law says I cannot physically enter a church building without proper identification.

I exist to both correct the church and sow disunity. Paul did too. He put it this way: “No doubt there must be divisions among you to show who has God’s approval.” I can prove I have God’s approval—just look at the award on the right hand margin. That’s it baby. God comes to me in visions and tells me who is approved and who isn’t.

Division comes when idiots in leadership positions in churches and para-church organizations care only for themselves and not for the mindless horde hanging themselves on every word. [By the way, para-church organizations are those groups that meet in C130’s then end the service with a mass sky dive. Courageous or stupid, you be the judge.]

Infidels beware: A new generation of crusaders is on the march, ignoring history’s warnings about the damage unrestrained spiritual zeal creates. Their mission? To protect us all from religious fraud and dangerous doctrines by investigating and exposing those who push past the accepted boundaries of conservative evangelicalism. They have pledged themselves to defend truth and liberate the kingdom of God from the threat of apostasy.

Well, I don’t like conservative evangelicalism either, but I get your drift. Why is this a problem? Seriously. Think it through. Accountability for people who carry the spiritual lives and psyche of millions of people is a GOOD thing.

From discernment ministries to watchdog groups to bloggers to anonymous Web site commenters, the Internet has created a breeding ground for unbridled criticism. Though truth and correction are essential to the health of the church, this new wave of heresy hunters may be taking things too far. Their targets are not the likes of David Koresh or Jim Jones—we would thank them for that. Instead, they’re aiming at many of today’s most popular charismatic Bible teachers, including Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen and T.D. Jakes.

This is interesting to me. Somehow in your mind, Davy, there is a difference between the likes of Koresh and T.D. Jakes. But there isn’t. At least, not Biblically.

See if you can read for comprehension:

The Bibble teaches we are ALL completely evil. According to the Bibble there is only one who is good (though I think the “I’m #1” tee Jesus is always wearing because he says it’s “retro” is a little much, don’t you think?)

Koresh or Jakes or Cannistraci or even Lil Ol’ Whore Church are evil.

Koresh was driven by his own narcissism to believe he had a special place in God’s Kingdom which eventually made him beyond correction leading to a Waco Bar-B-Q.

Jakes ego hasn’t taken him quite that far, but it’s taken him quite a ways. Evidence? Try this:

If that’s not saying “I am an expert on everything, even weight loss” then I don’t know what is. Jakes is like most any narcissist: He did something once and felt he could write a book on it.

[Just in case you don’t know Davy, he gained the weight back. But he didn’t write a book about that or why his God didn’t have the power to keep Mayor McCheese away from Jakes puffy paws.]

There is no one who does good, not even one. Trust me.

These zealous soldiers of orthodoxy aren’t afraid to fight dirty, either. Armed with ample evidence to prove their case, they quote, deride and scoff at any ministry they “discern” as dangerous. In this biblical blitzkrieg, no question is too trivial, no accusation too personal and no ridicule too cruel.

OK, so if we have “ample evidence” as you say, then we don’t need to discern much of anything. If it walks like a duck…you get the picture.

But your last sentence is where you lose it Davy-Doodles. You don’t understand. The internet is a BIG PLACE. Remember that illustration about hundreds of monkeys, typing away at hundreds of typewriters? Yeah, that’s the internet.

The vast majority of blog monkeys are boring and no one reads what they say. Then there’s people like me who say it with such style, such finesse, such—dare I day it?—perfection, we become the bastion of a new theology.

Fragile narcissistic egos are hyper sensitive to every criticism. That’s a part of their mental defect. They can’t weigh whether they are being criticized by lesser bloggers or the superior insights of yours truly.

As you noted, God has called me to a special place, hunting heresy and defending The Church from the ego driven so called “super”-pastors. A mission, though difficult and often fraught with dangerous peril, I am willing to humbly endure for the sake of Christ.

From:
http://www.ministrytodaymag.com/display.php?id=15788

Win Ben Stein’s Theology

I like Ben Stein. He is funny, smart, deadpan and devilishly good looking.

But you need to hear about his latest project. It’s a documentary about how BIG SCIENCE is suppressing the scientists who support intelligent design.

The trailers look very Michael Moore-ish with Stein embarking on an innocent, no agenda mission to see what’s going on with the intelligent design movement. Much to his no-agenda surprise, he finds the theist intelligent design supporting scientists are being silenced by BIG SCIENCE.

How shocking. How surprising. After all, documentary film makers never start with an agenda because there’s no money in making documentaries. It’s all about truth.

Just look at how little these documentaries actually earn:

Plus only a couple of these have won an Oscar so there’s not really any glory in it either. It’s all about the truth. And the children. For God’s sake won’t somebody think about the children?

Big Science and Evil Darwinists are out to destroy your children’s faith while replacing it with the unproven theories of Darwin. Untested, unobservable theories.

Have some common sense: If you found a watch in the woods, would you think somehow the random forces of nature over millions of years formed that watch? Or would you think someone was here before you and dropped the watch there?

It doesn’t take a scientist and all their sciency words to figure this out. We don’t need science. We have the Bible. (Even though Stein only believes the first part, creation is covered in verse numero uno muchacho.)

I encourage you to support Ben and his important work by visiting his website and exploring the important resources he has for parents, leaders and, yes, the children.